A Part of the Puzzle

Sometimes days have the ability to piece together as if our lives were part of a puzzle. Now that I think about it our lives relate very easily to a puzzle. Puzzles have important pieces to them and without each piece the puzzle can't be completed. There are events and people in our lives that act as our puzzle pieces and without those our life is not complete.

You may wonder where this thought came from but trust me when I say there really is a legitimate reason. Today was one of my days off, which have included very similar things each week. It's a day that I am able to use to work on my own life and things I want to do rather than worrying about everything else. I slept in a little longer than usual, which was definitely needed. I couldn't decide where I wanted to ride today, for some reason it was a difficult decision. Everything in me was telling me to just go ride at Miramar Lake because it would be an easy ride and wouldn't take much effort. Instead I decided to start my ride from my house and if you have ever been on my road you understand the first hill that must be climbed. I would like to tell you that my hill is the reason I haven't done a bike ride from my house since getting my new bike. However, that is not the reason.

In order to ride from my house, while also taking the safest road into Ramona, the route includes passing by the spot where my dad was found. I have been to the spot since he passed but I was in a car and for some reason that seemed very different to me. I sat down and really thought about my options. In my opinion the last thing I want is for anything that has to do with my dad to hold me back from living my life. Since beginning to bike, without even really trying I have consistently decided other routes to ride besides one's close to home. If Ramona is good for anything, bike riding is one of those things. So after a little thought I decided I would break through one of my fears and attack it with everything I had. As I passed by the spot that once had broken glass from his windows, I realized the glass was gone. It was at that time that I felt an overwhelming and anxious feeling come over me. This feeling did not last very long because as I continued my ride I began to feel at peace. The first thought that came over me was a feeling as if I no longer had a place to go where I could visibly see something that reminded me of my dad. After a short time it hit me that my dad is everywhere. I think I knew that before but no longer seeing the glass on the ground helped me realize that I was holding on to that place to tight. It was a spot that I shouldn't be holding on to because it really had no significance to the amazing life my dad lived. My ride continued, and I enjoyed every bit of it. It was a beautiful day and I felt awesome. I returned home after 22 miles and was still able to say that it was a good day and a good ride.

I also had a physical therapy appointment today, which I was really looking forward to. I felt good and was excited to see how much I had improved. A few weeks ago Kristen had an idea for me to write a pain journal explaining the events that take place each day in my life and how I feel at the end of the day. Not only do I explain how I was physically but also mentally in hopes of seeing connections between the two. Today, Kristen gave me my journal back because she had gone over all my entries. There were a few things that she said when she had me look at it, but the one that stuck in my mind was the fact that my really bad days mentally usually consisted of a bad physical day too. She told me to pay attention to that during my days especially when things showed up either mentally or physically. By the end of my appointment today my back had completely tightened up and I was in a lot of pain. I was struggling to move properly and tried to calm it down using heat. My back just wasn't having it and nothing seemed to help at that time. I felt frustration come over me but I tried to just laugh about it. I mean come on whenever things seem to be going so well another issue shows up and tries to bring me down. Been over it for a while now. As I left my work I could feel myself start getting hard on myself and my situation so I reminded myself of what Kristen told me. Rather than allowing my emotions to continue to fall back into that dark hole, I kept restating the fact that my day had been so good up until that point. I talked myself through the situation and did not want to allow my mental status to drop just because I was in pain. It seemed to be working, which was a good process for me to really focus on. It didn't end there though...

I made it home and I was looking forward to just relaxing for the rest of the night. I got home before my mom so I went to the end of the driveway to get the trash cans and mail, in hopes of making her life a little easier. I grabbed the mail first and turned around to a truck that had pulled up behind me. She stopped her truck right next to me and rolled down the window. Her name was Lisa and she was a neighbor that lived down the street from me. She began by saying I am really sorry to hear about your loss. It all made sense because a week after my dad passed away my uncle met a lady that had told him that she saw my dad that day and was near the scene of the incident. For some odd reason, ever since that day I have wanted to know who the lady was and her side of the story. I wasn't able to figure out why I wanted that but it was just a very strong feeling that I had. This lady was struggling to look me in the eye and she started to recall what happened that morning. She didn't even know my dads name but she spoke of him as the neighbor that would always say hi and talk to her. On that day she recognized his car and it clicked to her that it was her neighbor. She told me how usually she would be walking her dog but on that day she was driving into Ramona with her husband. She had been wanting for weeks to come talk to us but didn't know how to go about it. I told her that I appreciated her stopping and that I had also been wanting to meet her.

It was weird to me that a lady that didn't even know my father's name or much about his life, felt a strong connection with him. She told me that every time she walks down there she thinks of him and also about my family. I was smiling throughout the conversation because I knew that I had just met another person and another life that my dad had impacted. At that time all I could do was smile. He was the epitome of amazing and the more people talk about him the more I realize that. It was at that point that everything began to click. I had been right there this morning and while I thought the glass no longer being there was a bad thing, it really is not. Then my back had to act up forcing me to fight my mental state and not allowing myself to drop into that hole that was waiting for me. If I would have allowed myself to crumble, meeting this lady would have been a horrible experience for me, and I would have fell further. However, because I was in a good place with the ability to see the connections between the two, I immediately was able to see the positive. I attacked my fear this morning with everything I had by riding my bike a route that scared me more than anything. Then, tonight I finally got the closure that I needed from that day. I feel that I am now able to move past that specific day in a good way. There is nothing about "that spot" that scares me. I feel that I have overcome two big things that needed to happen.

This is where the beginning now makes sense because the events that took place today had to happen in the way they did or the outcome may have been very different. If it wasn't for each puzzle piece in our life, we would have no memories and no real connection to anything around us. Life can be very difficult at times and challenges us to deal with each situation that presents itself the best we can. I have always hated puzzles because I would get frustrated with how difficult they were. I didn't have the patience to sit and figure out where each piece was supposed to be. Instead I just wanted the finish product and once I had that I was bored with the fact that the challenge was no longer there and the puzzle was complete. When I think about that sentence I realize that at certain points in my life I have felt the exact same way. I was unhappy when the difficult task was in front of me but once it was over I was bored and wanted a new challenge. It now makes sense how every situation in our lives has a purpose, even the little ones. If we didn't have the small, seemingly useless pieces then the puzzle could never be completed. Those pieces leave us without holes or questions.

I am thankful for the events that took place today. Although my day didn't happen the exact way I would have liked it to, I still wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I am going to be fine and I will make it through all of this. I have more people behind me, praying for me and thinking about me then I even know, which is something to be thankful for in itself.

Tonight I am Just Writing to Write

Before I start writing I just want you all to know that I honestly have no clue what my blog will contain tonight. I really wanted to write and truthfully I am not even sure what I am going to say.

Lately my days have been filled with a lot of good things, which is something I can be extremely thankful for. As I continue to deal with the journey of grief, I become more and more interested in the process. It amazes me how different each day can be and how quickly things can turn from good to bad or the other way around. Sometimes I wonder how psychologists and counselors handle people that are dealing with grief because they never know how someone will react. Shoot how do the friends of people grieving deal with it. I have been on both sides of the track, which helps me understand the difficulties that people around me are dealing with, however I think I still don't always understand. As much as I don't expect anything from people I think a big part of me also does and when people aren't there I don't understand why they aren't.

I have been trying to deal with things by myself more lately because I know it's not fair to constantly rely on people. I have started to fully understand the mental battle that a person deals with on a minute to minute basis when dealing with the loss of someone close. It's a struggle and it takes a lot of strength to fight emotions that are so overpowering, which is exhausting in itself. Grief is a draining process. I feel like I use the word draining a lot to describe how I feel, but it's true. Everything that I do throughout my day is much harder than it used to be. I have to exert much more energy to live then I have ever had to. Making a conscious decision each day to find the good in the situations that present themselves while also remembering that the people around me are more important can be difficult.

It has always been so easy for me to put myself last, to just shut down or shut people out but now I am supposed to focus on putting myself first and doing whats best for me. It's a new thing for me and it has been a work in progress. It's something that causes me to feel very selfish. I feel like I am not there for the people that need me especially my family. But one thing is for sure, if we don't take care of ourselves we can't help anyone else. If we aren't happy or can't handle what's taking place in our own lives, how can we be any help to anyone else? The first person that needs to be taken care of is you.

Writing that last paragraph was something that I needed to get out. Not for anyone else, but for me. I needed to hear myself say that and be fine with saying it. I have felt really bad lately that I haven't talked to anyone in my family very much. As much as I have tried not to think about, I still do because it kills me to not be there for them. Early on last week, Tuesday for that matter, I realized I wasn't doing myself any good trying to be strong for everyone else and taking on their problems. I needed to take time for myself, time to be alone and figure things out. Talking to family can be hard to handle when things aren't going well. Ever since I found out my grandma's cancer had returned I have shut myself out more and more. I am not doing it on purpose or to hurt anyone else but right now I just can't take on extra baggage. I feel weak saying that and it makes me question the strength within me, but it's just not something I feel I can deal with. I felt like I was taking on too much each day and wasn't properly dealing with my own issues. It was at that time that I felt like the people around me were also having to deal with too much and I wasn't enjoying anything about my life. Since then I have been able to spend time with others and truly enjoy my time with them, as well as, spend time alone and make it through tough moments with no help.

Life is a battle for each and every person. There is no one person that doesn't have to battle through something. It could be a death, disease, injury, break-up, or even just an emotion on that day but no matter what it's still a battle. I have come to realize that it's very easy to become unhappy about our lives and get stuck in a place that is miserable. Being sad or mad about the things that surround you is easy and you can get stuck in that mindset with the snap of a finger. Take time to really think about that idea. Being happy and positive about life when it may not be what you really want is hard. I would never try to sit here and tell anyone that life is easy to deal with. But I think at times we get so used to feeling unhappy that we don't even attempt to find our way out of it. There are so many things that each and every one of us can be thankful for. There is no one situation that is worse than another because each of our horrible situations are different. I don't look at the place I am in and think that I am dealing with anything more then the person next to me. The reason I have that mindset is because it doesn't allow me to stay in that attitude of "poor me". It forces me to wake up each day knowing that someone out there has it worse than me. Knowing that makes me try my hardest to smile, laugh, and enjoy life the best I can. None of us know how much time we will be here so there is no point to waste it being unhappy or worrying about things we have no control over. If we can look at each situation, even the bad ones, as something that can change our lives for the better then we help ourselves immediately fight harder. That mindset alone challenges each of us to do our best.

So today, think about your attitude and the things you have to be thankful for. Ask yourself if your attitude is helping you live a life that is worth talking about, and be positive with yourself. If your answer is no, then make it a goal to change and attempt to be as positive as possible. If your answer is yes, then figure out what you can do to help those around you become more positive. Maybe little by little each of us will see a change in the people we surround ourselves with and peoples lives will be changed for the better. This should be the goal we all wish to achieve.

Take time to think about what you have to be thankful for and even write it down. You can write it here or in a place that only you can see. I am thankful for each and every one of you.

.Smile.Laugh.Enjoy Life & Never Give Up...You Will Make It!

Love Always,
Tay

From Bad to Good

As I look back on the week I immediately begin to question how I made it out of the darkest hole I have fell into in a very long time. Tuesday was one of the roughest days I have had since my dad passed away. I felt a hole in my heart that nothing could repair. I wanted people to be there but I also did not want people to be there. I had a hard time allowing myself to ask for help because I was afraid of people seeing or even hearing me at my worst. The question that seemed to be asked by many was, "did anything trigger these emotions?", and the answer to that question is no. I woke up just like any other day and went for a bike ride, which is usually the start of a good day. My bike ride wasn't what I expected and I couldn't ride the length or time that I had wanted. Once my ride was over I headed to my work because I had a physical therapy appointment. I immediately did not want to be there. I had no interest in anything, which was a new feeling for me because any other day working on my physical injuries was something I felt I needed. It was usually something that was important to me. But, on this day, everything that was usually important to me just wasn't. I felt like my heart was stuck somewhere else and my mind didn't know how to handle it. I was confused and didn't know what I should do to help the feeling go away. Unlike most days I chose to go home and once I was home I just sat on the couch, alone. It was the most alone I have ever felt. As time went by the feelings became stronger. I began to pray that I would make it through the night because everything in me was saying I wouldn't and couldn't.

The crazy thing about these feelings is that anything positive was being hidden by dark thoughts. I talked about this similar situation in my last post about being stuck in a tunnel that you can't find your way out of. This was one of those times that I was so far in the tunnel that dark doesn't even describe what it looked like. I couldn't see anything around me, not even a glimpse of light. It's moments like these that all kinds of things begin to run through your head and you feel like you will never make it through. The amazing thing is, you will and you can. At the darkest moment the light shines and even if it's just for one second, that light gives us the hope we need to make it through. If we have the ability to fight off these horrible thoughts we can make it through anything. Our attitude determines how we will react to the situations that present themselves. Since that day I have been praying for my dad to make his presence known in my life. I have continued to pray that the healing hands that changed so many lives would change mine and give me hope to not give up. It was all I had, it was all I could do.

Time continued, which was a good thing because my week seemed to get better each day. My prayer seemed to be answered because by Thursday night I had very little pain. Thursday was a good day. I had a really good bike ride, my PT appointment went well and I was even able to do some exercises. After my appointment I went to the beach and laid out. Meggan met me at the beach and we spent some time talking and catching up. It was so awesome to see her. Meg had to drive back up to Irvine so her stay was short but she was someone I needed to spend some time with. The last event of my day was dinner with Theresa and Tova, which was long overdue. I went home that night feeling exhausted but lately that's a common feeling. As I prepared to go to bed I realized that I felt different than I usually do. I had worn vans most of the day and my ankle wasn't extremely swollen and painful like it usually would be, my back wasn't hurting, and my headache was a lot less than it had been. I was able to say for the first time in a while that I had very little pain. It was at that time that I realized that my prayer was being answered. I have no doubt that my dad had a part in how this week ended. Of course it couldn't have been possible without Kristen's help, but she may have been receiving a little help of her own.

I am thankful that I can do the things I am able to do on a daily basis. On my ride today I felt lucky to be able to sit on a bike and just ride away all my problems. We tend to forget that some people don't have the opportunity to do something like that. I am incredibly happy that I have found something that helps me cope with all the things that are happening around me. It's amazing how your world can be spinning a million miles an hour around you, however the minute you take off for a ride the mind focuses on that moment and that moment alone. For a short time, nothing else matters but the road ahead and the ability to not give up on the ride.

Today was a really good day. I had an awesome bike ride this morning in Coronado followed by lunch at Panera. It wasn't a usual Saturday morning for me but I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. After lunch I went and laid out at the beach for a couple hours and decided I would do a few laps around Fiesta Island before heading home. I ended up riding for 2 1/2 hours and a combined mileage of 36 miles, which is the most I have done in a day. My ride this morning was around 23 miles, which was also the longest ride I have done at one time. It felt so good and besides a headache my body feels great tonight.

Days like Tuesday are going to take place and there is nothing I can do to stop that. The more I try to stop those days from happening the worse they are going to be. I am lucky to have a group of people that want to be there for me and want to do whatever they can to help me. My support system continues to grow and it's amazing to know that so many people care about me. Most of the things going on in my life suck right now but I also have a lot to be thankful for. I can honestly sit here and say that things could always be worse, but it's how you react to the things happening around you that is a testament to the strength you have within. At times I wonder if I am handling all this the way one should but I also know that there is no right or wrong way to deal with the difficulties in our lives. I am doing everything I can to help myself and doing the things I feel I need to be doing. Ultimately all we can do is do our best to deal with the things that occur in our lives and try to stay positive even through the rain. No matter what the circumstance may be, no matter how bad the situation, we always have the ability to find our way out of it and change for the better.

Godspeed,
Tay

There Really Is Light...

So in the car today on my way to work I heard a song that I had not heard for a pretty long time and it spoke to me. I am a huge fan of music because of the impact one song can have in that moment and the ways in which lyrics relate so much to our lives at times. I think we often forget that so many other people struggle with similar things, so knowing that maybe just one other person understands makes things a little easier. The lyrics that stood out the most to me were...

"Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
Come on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning"

These lyrics gave me the hope I needed to know that one day this struggle won't have the same impact that it does on me today. The interesting thing was that last night while I couldn't sleep, my mind was racing as it usually does but this time I was able to find the analogy that best fits where I am at right now. As a child whenever I drove through a tunnel I always thought it was extremely exciting to come out on the other side...call me weird I am okay with that. I found excitement in seeing the light. It was especially cool when it was raining because for that moment the rain stopped and the minute the car came out of the tunnel it began to rain again. It's amazing what excites children. But anyways, as I laid in bed last night I began to understand a little about what it is that I am feeling. We hear the saying "there is light at the end of the tunnel" often, but it never means very much at the time because we just can't see it. But in reality, that statement is so very true. At some point, no telling when, the light will shine bright and whatever we are going through will no longer seem as huge as it once did. We try so hard to force the light to shine that we actually just prolong it because the tunnel is going to be as long as it's meant to last. When people are afraid to drive through a tunnel they attempt to speed up the process, which yes gets you through it faster but it's also more dangerous. The same goes in our lives. We can be afraid of the situation we are in and attempt to speed it up but instead of handling what scares us, we actually just skip over the things that need to occur for us to actually move on. You have to make it through the tunnel before you can get to what's waiting at the other side. And we may not know at that exact moment, actually we don't know, what that something is, but one day we will. This is the point that you realize that no matter what is thrown at you, you will make it to the other side.

As of now, I feel like my tunnel is never ending and I feel like the light will never shine through. But, that is my situation that is speaking because my heart knows that there really will be a bright light that one day I will see. No matter how dark my life looks right now, I know that it won't stay like this and I know that I will make it out of all this. God has much bigger plans for me then to be sad and depressed. My dad has much bigger plans for me too. I actually find comfort in knowing that there is light at the end of the tunnel. For some, that saying may just make things worse, but if you really think about it you will find that there is so much more to those words. Those words have become more than just a cheesy quote used to pick people up when things are hard. They have true meaning and they hold something far greater than most take the time to see.

I have began to realize that there is a lot more behind even the most common statements we use to help pick people up when they are down. I know that I tend to hear those sayings and just smile thinking "right, that one again" or "I have heard this one so many times and this person has no clue what I am going through"...yes, that may be true they may not understand but still think about what they are saying. Process the fact that it may be what you need to hear at that exact moment to change your mind about even just the smallest thing in your life. Do your best to actually care about things people say because they probably mean them. They may be that one person that understands a little about what you are going through.

Today was a good day. Not because anything special happened but because I had the chance to wake up and live out a life of love. Each day is a gift, a gift that we are lucky enough to be given. As hard as it may be there are always things to be thankful for. I am thankful for the people that are in my life. The people that have stuck by my side no matter what I was going through. I am thankful that I am lucky enough to say that I have a group of friends, family, and co-workers that care so much about me that they would do anything for me. It's not always easy to see all that but in my heart I always know it is true. I love and care for each and every person and thank you all for the support.

God Bless,
Tay

Life Is Not Easy

I have always tried my best to be as strong as I possibly could no matter what the situation was. I am quickly finding out that there are certain situations that showing strength doesn't mean anything anymore. Not that it means anything to anyone else but it has always meant something to me. Weakness is something I have felt a lot but I have done all I could to hide it from the rest of the world. Tonight, me writing in my blog is allowing myself to show some vulnerability. The saying "time heals all wounds" is a statement that I find to be completely untrue. There are some wounds that nothing will ever heal. Time may make things easier and less painful but that doesn't mean you ever fully heal from what happened. I can admit that I will never completely heal after losing my dad. There is always going to be a huge hole that is missing in my life and nothing can change that. I am doing the best I can each day and I am trying my hardest to take things minute by minute. As time goes on things continue to get even more difficult. It seems like ever since last week when my grandma was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I can no longer see the light. Each day I struggle more and more with the issues surrounding my life. I hate the spot I am in, yet I can't find my way out of it. And the worst part about all of this is my attitude is beginning to have an effect on those around me. I can honestly say that at this point I have no idea where to go from here. I thought that I was doing all these things to help me get through this the best I could and now I wonder if I really was. This is the reason that I never wanted to believe when people said I was handling everything so well because now I am not. I miss my dad and I miss how things used to be. I miss having a family and someone to go to in the time of need that was there no matter what. I know that at some point I will get through this. Even with all that's going on I know that there will be a time where I will be happy again and can go on with my life. I think what I am struggling with right now is I don't see it happening anytime soon and that kills me. It's killing me to listen to myself and read things that I have wrote because it doesn't sound like me at all. I hate the person I am becoming but can't seem to stop these emotions from happening. I know that I have no control over any of this and I know I have to allow God to take all these feelings from me but its not happening. This is one of those times that I really don't feel like God is there...I know He is don't get me wrong, but I don't feel it. I understand that this is all part of the grieving process, I have heard it so many times but I am not willing to use that as an excuse. I don't want to be a person that cant get through my day or is trying to find ways to escape. I want to fight these emotions and fight this process with all I have. I want God to allow me to use this all for good and to not let it tear apart my life. Is praying really the only thing I can do? That's the answer I seem to get from people, yet it doesn't seem to change me. I know I cant give up and that this is going to take time, but it's hard to move backwards. I really am not even sure what else to write, so I am going to end it here. I needed to get these feelings out and I guess I needed to do it in a place that I knew a few people may see it. I will keep walking forward in hopes that one day when I wake up things will be a little better. I know that my dad would want that and I know he would want me to continue on with my life. For now, I need to accept what is happening in my life and do my best to accept the emotions I am feeling. As hard as it may be, I need to let myself feel this way but also try to stay as positive as I can. Live for the moment and care for others is the best thing I can do right now. Others lives are more important than focusing on how bad my life feels at this time...things could always be worse...

God Bless, Tay

Valentines Day for my Pops

Valentines Day for me, is a day to remember the amazing love that my dad showed me not only on February 14th, but every single day he was alive. My dad had an amazing heart, which was ironic since he struggled with heart issues since I can remember. It was important to him to show the people in his life that he cared for them and he made sure that he never forgot about me. Whether I was in Kansas or next to him at home, he made it a priority to show me in some way how much he loved me on a daily basis. It wasn't about it being Valentines Day to him, it was just an excuse for him to show his love. I never thought that I would be sitting here writing about the past but as I look back I never appreciated those gifts as much as I should have. Now that my dad is no longer here, all I want is to receive a hug and a card with his loving words written in it.

We all need to appreciate those around us because we never know when they will be taken from us. Don't wait to tell someone something and make sure to let those you care about know how much they mean to you every single day not just on Valentines Day.

Valentines Day will always be a special day for me because my dad's love for life and those he cared about was incredible. It seems like a perfect day to remember all the loving things that he constantly did for people. He gave his heart to every person he came in contact with and never expected anything in return. My dad never once let heart disease control his life and he did his best to not let it affect is attitude on living. I don't doubt that it scared him but he consistently stayed strong in every circumstance. He taught me how to be strong and how to never stop fighting. My dad didn't just explain to me what the real meaning of love is, he showed me and for that I can't thank him enough. What the heart gives away is never gone, instead it is kept in the hearts of others.

I know that my dad is with me, always, and I also know that his love is shining through me and every other person that he touched. Its important to allow that love to shine into the world and to not hold it in. My dad wouldn't want me to be sad, he would want me to go out and live but to also continue to love, just like he did. The greatest gift I can give my father is to make my dreams come true and to go on with my life as if he was still alive. He will always be with me and will always love me, nothing can change that, especially not death.

So if you change anything in your life, make sure to tell people you love them and spend time with those you care about as much as possible. Try not to force the future to come quicker then it's meant to because it still wont and the path will surely be bumpy. Live a life that's worth remembering and put others first. Make a conscious decision each morning to have a good day, it may not happen exactly how you planned but at least you know you made the effort. Live for the moment and don't forget that there is always something to be thankful for. No matter how bad things are at the time, they will get better, but you have to have faith.

Dad, thank you for making it a point to show me how much you loved me no matter what was going on in our lives. I am so thankful that I had a father like you to be there and provide support anytime I needed it. You are an amazing person and as hard as it is to admit, I am lucky to have you as my guardian angel. I love you with all my heart and miss you more each day that passes.
Love always, Tay

It's Been A While...

I haven't taken the time recently to sit down and write about the things that have been on my mind, although I have thought about it multiple times. The past year has been an interesting test for me and at times I began to question whether I could make it. Giving up seemed like the best option but luckily I had people close to me that wouldn't allow that to happen. I have realized how important it is to have people that understand what you are going through and even if they don't fully understand they are still willing to never let you give up. In June of 2009 I sprained my ankle in an indoor soccer game and at that point in my life the most important thing in my opinion was to be able to play in my senior year as a collegiate soccer player. If you were to ask me if I still think that was the best decision I would probably have a different answer but I also have never wanted to live my life with regrets.


Soccer is a sport that I have loved since I can even remember and no matter what soccer will always hold a special place in my heart. For me, soccer was something that my family always cherished together and I loved watching my brother play in hopes of one day being able to perform the same way. I looked up to him for his ability to play soccer and he constantly pushed me to be better. I always knew that when the weekends rolled around that our family would pack up and spend our day at a soccer field somewhere in California. I truly believe that soccer brought us closer together and still to this day it gives us something to talk about.


Although my senior soccer season didn't turn out to be exactly what I wanted I don't regret the decision to play. The memories will last forever and the fact that I made it through four years of collegiate soccer is something that not everyone can say. I think that there is a point in your life when all you do is think about what was and what could have been but I know I can't change any of that. Of course there are things I would have wanted to turn out differently but everything that I have gained from those moments are things that I could never give up.


For me personally, soccer has shaped my character more than I could have ever imagined. I have had eight different surgeries on my legs, six on my left and two on my right, and another possibly on the way. I have met more doctors in twenty-two years than most people meet in their entire life and have had more tests and surgeries than most people ever have. But, throughout all the time spent at doctors offices and hospitals, I have also had the chance to meet so many awesome people. The conversations that I have had and the fight I have been able to instill in people is something that makes every ounce of pain worth it. I have met people who never thought they would be able to live their life how they wanted to and I knew they could. They were able to see what I have been through and believe that they two could make it. I have also seen miracles happen right in front of my eyes. I have no doubt that you can learn from every single tough situation that happens in your life. I know that things can always get worse and that it's one of the hardest things possible to believe during your situation because at the time all you can see is your own issues.


God has tested me in a million different ways and He will continue to test me but I know that no matter what things will get better. People close to me joke that I need new legs and joint replacement, which is obviously funny because I have had so many issues but in all honesty if you look at the path I have been on and the damage that has taken place, I truly am lucky that I can still walk. It's been over a year since I sprained my ankle and it's been ten months since my ankle was "repaired". The ankle repair that was supposed to take place actually made my ankle much worse. I have been living in constant pain every single day and unable to do a lot of things but during that time I have constantly forgot that I can do so much more than a lot of other people. It's extremely hard to be thankful for what we have especially when it seems impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel but that light is always there, ALWAYS. It might be too far away for you to see at the time but at some point things will clear up. "It may be stormy now, but it can't rain forever".


This post may seem all over the place and the reason for that is I have so much running through my head. I have been struggling for months and months with so many doubts in my mind that all I wanted to do was just quit everything and sleep. I have had rough points in my life but nothing has been as hard as the past three months. But the awesome thing is that although I was struggling I had amazing people come beside me and force me out of it. At a time when I didn't want to do anything people forced me to get out and live. I had forgotten how to be happy and to continue to enjoy life because all I could feel was pain. I am so thankful to have amazing friends, family, work family, and a God that loves me no matter how many times I screw up. It's important to remember that no matter what someone always loves you and always wants the best for you. He is on your side no matter how dark the sky around you looks. I have finally been able to see this lately and as of right now I am unsure what the future holds for me career wise or health wise but I trust that it will all come to when it's meant to happen. Everything in our lives happens at a specific time for a reason and we may not understand that reason for days, months, years, or we may never know but trust that it will work out. Trying to force things does nothing but stress us out. Being patient may be difficult but it truly is what is best.


The reason I wrote tonight was to get things out but I hope that in the process whoever decides to read this also gets something out of it. I love all of you very much. The picture I put on this blog was taken at Del Mar tonight...my parents and I went to dinner and when we walked out that's what we saw. Never seen anything so beautiful. If you happen to be going through a tough time, don't give up. I know it's not easy but things will get better and you will learn something in the process. Keep looking up and you won't be let down and be patient because what you want may take some time! :)

Peace & Love, Tay