As I look back on the week I immediately begin to question how I made it out of the darkest hole I have fell into in a very long time. Tuesday was one of the roughest days I have had since my dad passed away. I felt a hole in my heart that nothing could repair. I wanted people to be there but I also did not want people to be there. I had a hard time allowing myself to ask for help because I was afraid of people seeing or even hearing me at my worst. The question that seemed to be asked by many was, "did anything trigger these emotions?", and the answer to that question is no. I woke up just like any other day and went for a bike ride, which is usually the start of a good day. My bike ride wasn't what I expected and I couldn't ride the length or time that I had wanted. Once my ride was over I headed to my work because I had a physical therapy appointment. I immediately did not want to be there. I had no interest in anything, which was a new feeling for me because any other day working on my physical injuries was something I felt I needed. It was usually something that was important to me. But, on this day, everything that was usually important to me just wasn't. I felt like my heart was stuck somewhere else and my mind didn't know how to handle it. I was confused and didn't know what I should do to help the feeling go away. Unlike most days I chose to go home and once I was home I just sat on the couch, alone. It was the most alone I have ever felt. As time went by the feelings became stronger. I began to pray that I would make it through the night because everything in me was saying I wouldn't and couldn't.
The crazy thing about these feelings is that anything positive was being hidden by dark thoughts. I talked about this similar situation in my last post about being stuck in a tunnel that you can't find your way out of. This was one of those times that I was so far in the tunnel that dark doesn't even describe what it looked like. I couldn't see anything around me, not even a glimpse of light. It's moments like these that all kinds of things begin to run through your head and you feel like you will never make it through. The amazing thing is, you will and you can. At the darkest moment the light shines and even if it's just for one second, that light gives us the hope we need to make it through. If we have the ability to fight off these horrible thoughts we can make it through anything. Our attitude determines how we will react to the situations that present themselves. Since that day I have been praying for my dad to make his presence known in my life. I have continued to pray that the healing hands that changed so many lives would change mine and give me hope to not give up. It was all I had, it was all I could do.
Time continued, which was a good thing because my week seemed to get better each day. My prayer seemed to be answered because by Thursday night I had very little pain. Thursday was a good day. I had a really good bike ride, my PT appointment went well and I was even able to do some exercises. After my appointment I went to the beach and laid out. Meggan met me at the beach and we spent some time talking and catching up. It was so awesome to see her. Meg had to drive back up to Irvine so her stay was short but she was someone I needed to spend some time with. The last event of my day was dinner with Theresa and Tova, which was long overdue. I went home that night feeling exhausted but lately that's a common feeling. As I prepared to go to bed I realized that I felt different than I usually do. I had worn vans most of the day and my ankle wasn't extremely swollen and painful like it usually would be, my back wasn't hurting, and my headache was a lot less than it had been. I was able to say for the first time in a while that I had very little pain. It was at that time that I realized that my prayer was being answered. I have no doubt that my dad had a part in how this week ended. Of course it couldn't have been possible without Kristen's help, but she may have been receiving a little help of her own.
I am thankful that I can do the things I am able to do on a daily basis. On my ride today I felt lucky to be able to sit on a bike and just ride away all my problems. We tend to forget that some people don't have the opportunity to do something like that. I am incredibly happy that I have found something that helps me cope with all the things that are happening around me. It's amazing how your world can be spinning a million miles an hour around you, however the minute you take off for a ride the mind focuses on that moment and that moment alone. For a short time, nothing else matters but the road ahead and the ability to not give up on the ride.
Today was a really good day. I had an awesome bike ride this morning in Coronado followed by lunch at Panera. It wasn't a usual Saturday morning for me but I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. After lunch I went and laid out at the beach for a couple hours and decided I would do a few laps around Fiesta Island before heading home. I ended up riding for 2 1/2 hours and a combined mileage of 36 miles, which is the most I have done in a day. My ride this morning was around 23 miles, which was also the longest ride I have done at one time. It felt so good and besides a headache my body feels great tonight.
Days like Tuesday are going to take place and there is nothing I can do to stop that. The more I try to stop those days from happening the worse they are going to be. I am lucky to have a group of people that want to be there for me and want to do whatever they can to help me. My support system continues to grow and it's amazing to know that so many people care about me. Most of the things going on in my life suck right now but I also have a lot to be thankful for. I can honestly sit here and say that things could always be worse, but it's how you react to the things happening around you that is a testament to the strength you have within. At times I wonder if I am handling all this the way one should but I also know that there is no right or wrong way to deal with the difficulties in our lives. I am doing everything I can to help myself and doing the things I feel I need to be doing. Ultimately all we can do is do our best to deal with the things that occur in our lives and try to stay positive even through the rain. No matter what the circumstance may be, no matter how bad the situation, we always have the ability to find our way out of it and change for the better.
Godspeed,
Tay
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