Monday, March 14, 2011

Tonight I am Just Writing to Write

Before I start writing I just want you all to know that I honestly have no clue what my blog will contain tonight. I really wanted to write and truthfully I am not even sure what I am going to say.

Lately my days have been filled with a lot of good things, which is something I can be extremely thankful for. As I continue to deal with the journey of grief, I become more and more interested in the process. It amazes me how different each day can be and how quickly things can turn from good to bad or the other way around. Sometimes I wonder how psychologists and counselors handle people that are dealing with grief because they never know how someone will react. Shoot how do the friends of people grieving deal with it. I have been on both sides of the track, which helps me understand the difficulties that people around me are dealing with, however I think I still don't always understand. As much as I don't expect anything from people I think a big part of me also does and when people aren't there I don't understand why they aren't.

I have been trying to deal with things by myself more lately because I know it's not fair to constantly rely on people. I have started to fully understand the mental battle that a person deals with on a minute to minute basis when dealing with the loss of someone close. It's a struggle and it takes a lot of strength to fight emotions that are so overpowering, which is exhausting in itself. Grief is a draining process. I feel like I use the word draining a lot to describe how I feel, but it's true. Everything that I do throughout my day is much harder than it used to be. I have to exert much more energy to live then I have ever had to. Making a conscious decision each day to find the good in the situations that present themselves while also remembering that the people around me are more important can be difficult.

It has always been so easy for me to put myself last, to just shut down or shut people out but now I am supposed to focus on putting myself first and doing whats best for me. It's a new thing for me and it has been a work in progress. It's something that causes me to feel very selfish. I feel like I am not there for the people that need me especially my family. But one thing is for sure, if we don't take care of ourselves we can't help anyone else. If we aren't happy or can't handle what's taking place in our own lives, how can we be any help to anyone else? The first person that needs to be taken care of is you.

Writing that last paragraph was something that I needed to get out. Not for anyone else, but for me. I needed to hear myself say that and be fine with saying it. I have felt really bad lately that I haven't talked to anyone in my family very much. As much as I have tried not to think about, I still do because it kills me to not be there for them. Early on last week, Tuesday for that matter, I realized I wasn't doing myself any good trying to be strong for everyone else and taking on their problems. I needed to take time for myself, time to be alone and figure things out. Talking to family can be hard to handle when things aren't going well. Ever since I found out my grandma's cancer had returned I have shut myself out more and more. I am not doing it on purpose or to hurt anyone else but right now I just can't take on extra baggage. I feel weak saying that and it makes me question the strength within me, but it's just not something I feel I can deal with. I felt like I was taking on too much each day and wasn't properly dealing with my own issues. It was at that time that I felt like the people around me were also having to deal with too much and I wasn't enjoying anything about my life. Since then I have been able to spend time with others and truly enjoy my time with them, as well as, spend time alone and make it through tough moments with no help.

Life is a battle for each and every person. There is no one person that doesn't have to battle through something. It could be a death, disease, injury, break-up, or even just an emotion on that day but no matter what it's still a battle. I have come to realize that it's very easy to become unhappy about our lives and get stuck in a place that is miserable. Being sad or mad about the things that surround you is easy and you can get stuck in that mindset with the snap of a finger. Take time to really think about that idea. Being happy and positive about life when it may not be what you really want is hard. I would never try to sit here and tell anyone that life is easy to deal with. But I think at times we get so used to feeling unhappy that we don't even attempt to find our way out of it. There are so many things that each and every one of us can be thankful for. There is no one situation that is worse than another because each of our horrible situations are different. I don't look at the place I am in and think that I am dealing with anything more then the person next to me. The reason I have that mindset is because it doesn't allow me to stay in that attitude of "poor me". It forces me to wake up each day knowing that someone out there has it worse than me. Knowing that makes me try my hardest to smile, laugh, and enjoy life the best I can. None of us know how much time we will be here so there is no point to waste it being unhappy or worrying about things we have no control over. If we can look at each situation, even the bad ones, as something that can change our lives for the better then we help ourselves immediately fight harder. That mindset alone challenges each of us to do our best.

So today, think about your attitude and the things you have to be thankful for. Ask yourself if your attitude is helping you live a life that is worth talking about, and be positive with yourself. If your answer is no, then make it a goal to change and attempt to be as positive as possible. If your answer is yes, then figure out what you can do to help those around you become more positive. Maybe little by little each of us will see a change in the people we surround ourselves with and peoples lives will be changed for the better. This should be the goal we all wish to achieve.

Take time to think about what you have to be thankful for and even write it down. You can write it here or in a place that only you can see. I am thankful for each and every one of you.

.Smile.Laugh.Enjoy Life & Never Give Up...You Will Make It!

Love Always,

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