I have always tried my best to be as strong as I possibly could no matter what the situation was. I am quickly finding out that there are certain situations that showing strength doesn't mean anything anymore. Not that it means anything to anyone else but it has always meant something to me. Weakness is something I have felt a lot but I have done all I could to hide it from the rest of the world. Tonight, me writing in my blog is allowing myself to show some vulnerability. The saying "time heals all wounds" is a statement that I find to be completely untrue. There are some wounds that nothing will ever heal. Time may make things easier and less painful but that doesn't mean you ever fully heal from what happened. I can admit that I will never completely heal after losing my dad. There is always going to be a huge hole that is missing in my life and nothing can change that. I am doing the best I can each day and I am trying my hardest to take things minute by minute. As time goes on things continue to get even more difficult. It seems like ever since last week when my grandma was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I can no longer see the light. Each day I struggle more and more with the issues surrounding my life. I hate the spot I am in, yet I can't find my way out of it. And the worst part about all of this is my attitude is beginning to have an effect on those around me. I can honestly say that at this point I have no idea where to go from here. I thought that I was doing all these things to help me get through this the best I could and now I wonder if I really was. This is the reason that I never wanted to believe when people said I was handling everything so well because now I am not. I miss my dad and I miss how things used to be. I miss having a family and someone to go to in the time of need that was there no matter what. I know that at some point I will get through this. Even with all that's going on I know that there will be a time where I will be happy again and can go on with my life. I think what I am struggling with right now is I don't see it happening anytime soon and that kills me. It's killing me to listen to myself and read things that I have wrote because it doesn't sound like me at all. I hate the person I am becoming but can't seem to stop these emotions from happening. I know that I have no control over any of this and I know I have to allow God to take all these feelings from me but its not happening. This is one of those times that I really don't feel like God is there...I know He is don't get me wrong, but I don't feel it. I understand that this is all part of the grieving process, I have heard it so many times but I am not willing to use that as an excuse. I don't want to be a person that cant get through my day or is trying to find ways to escape. I want to fight these emotions and fight this process with all I have. I want God to allow me to use this all for good and to not let it tear apart my life. Is praying really the only thing I can do? That's the answer I seem to get from people, yet it doesn't seem to change me. I know I cant give up and that this is going to take time, but it's hard to move backwards. I really am not even sure what else to write, so I am going to end it here. I needed to get these feelings out and I guess I needed to do it in a place that I knew a few people may see it. I will keep walking forward in hopes that one day when I wake up things will be a little better. I know that my dad would want that and I know he would want me to continue on with my life. For now, I need to accept what is happening in my life and do my best to accept the emotions I am feeling. As hard as it may be, I need to let myself feel this way but also try to stay as positive as I can. Live for the moment and care for others is the best thing I can do right now. Others lives are more important than focusing on how bad my life feels at this time...things could always be worse...
God Bless, Tay
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