Friday, March 18, 2011
One of Those Days
I miss my dad. I miss having someone that could make me laugh and would listen to me the minute I walked through the door. My life is so incredibly different without him here. I really am trying to stay strong and be positive about all this but it's so difficult at times. I am exhausted and when I struggle to sleep it makes it even harder to keep a positive attitude. I was having such a good week and the last time I had a bad day was over a week ago. The fact that I was able to make it over a week without a bad day is progress and that is something I should be happy about. I need to look at my progress as a positive thing and strive to get better each week. I know I will have these days but will they always be so hard? Will my day be extremely hard to make it through each time I have a shift in my mood? These are questions that I am not sure anyone knows the answer to. My guess is the answer will be the same as it usually is, "it's just going to take time and with time it will get better." To tell you the truth I really don't agree with that statement. I have heard the word time a lot in my life and there were points where it really upset me to hear that. It's an answer that does nothing for the person that is actually in the situation. I will admit, I have said that to a number of people because there are points in time where that's all you can say. It's as if we know we can't help someone so we just say it will get better to try and make them believe it. I think in reality we say it knowing it's not easy and also knowing that there really is no telling how much time it may take. Time is really only good for one thing...to tell us the hour of the day. When we are asked to give something time to heal, or time apart, or with time it will get better, it makes the idea of time seem like forever. It makes you hate the word time because you don't actually know the amount it could end up being. Right now, honestly, I feel as if its my own worst enemy. I see a little light but I don't see an end in sight. [pretty sweet rhyming skills if you ask me :) ]
Time will never ever heal the wound that will be left from losing my dad. I know it will get easier, I do believe that, but it will never be gone. I know there will always be a huge feeling of loss in my heart and the feeling of wishing he was still here will never leave. One thing that has been bothering me is the fact that I went through almost an entire day without thinking about my dad. I feel like that shouldn't be the case, that it's too soon for me to just completely forget about him for that long. I know I am supposed to live my life and that he would want me to not think about him all day, everyday, but it still doesn't seem right. As I was driving home from work that night it clicked to me that I had been too busy with my life to even stop and think about him for a second. Maybe that's a good thing? I don't really know how to look at that.
Tonight has definitely been a struggle, in fact, the entire day was a struggle. It could have been the emotions of the entire week or maybe it was just one bad day at the end of a lot of good days. I am thankful for the good days and I am also thankful for the bad days. Without the bad days I wouldn't recognize the rest of the days as good. Without those days I also wouldn't gain the strength that is needed to fight these days by myself. I am thankful for the freedom to write whenever I need to. Writing is becoming the only thing that can't be taken away from me and is always there whenever I need. Writing has allowed me to express emotions to people I usually wouldn't open up to and also gives people a chance to understand what is going through my mind. I seem to be much better at expressing myself in writing then by speaking. I am encouraged by things I have said. I usually don't realize it while I am writing but as soon as I go back and read what I wrote I am able to see the good in my life.
“Either you run the day or the day runs you.”I came across this quote tonight and I really started to think about the meaning. I find this quote to really speak volumes. Usually how the day begins is how it will end because once the day starts off good or bad it tends to continue down that path. Not always the case but a lot of the time it is. It takes a lot of energy to fight that feeling and turn it around. You begin to see everything in the same light. For me, today was one of those days. I woke up exhausted and in pain, so as the day went on that is all I could think about. I wasn't focused on anything except the fact that I didn't sleep and that my body was hurting. As those thoughts continued to manifest I began to get frustrated that I was in pain and that I couldn't do certain things, such as, workout. And before all this started the main reason I was thinking all these thoughts was because I didn't get enough sleep. This quote is stating the obvious, however if we are able to think about this idea each morning then maybe we can turn our day around before it goes down the wrong path. Just maybe we can turn a day that looks bad into something good. There was so much good in this day. The good outweighed the fact that I wasn't having the best day by a HUGE amount but it wasn't easy to see that. Good things were only noticeable at certain points and I even realized at the time that I should be thankful for the amazing things that were happening around me.
I am okay with the fact that today wasn't a good day because it's over and all I can do now is move on from it. It was a good day for other people and that makes the day good for me. There are miracles happening constantly. Yes, there is a lot of bad but there is also a lot of good we just have to open our eyes to what is around us. Each of us have something to be happy about. Very hard for me to see at a time where nothing seems good, but in my heart I believe it. My eyes might be struggling to focus in on the good in my life but my heart knows that I have so much of it all around me. I know that tomorrow is going to be a better day. I am hoping I can get some sleep tonight and that I will feel better about the place I am in. Struggles are just part of life and we each have to do our best to deal with what has been given to us. It's not always easy for me to see but I know I will make it. I can't lose hope that one day all of this will be much easier. I think the purpose of me writing tonight was to let out some of the emotions I was feeling. It's not meant to be completely negative so I hope you can pull from this some of the positives that I still am able to see. I thank you all for your patience with me and your ability to listen even when you don't understand.
*Please pray for those people who are battling cancer day in and day out...their strength and determination to never give up is truly amazing!