"I’m going home
Downhearted and hoping
I’m close to some new beginning
There’s a reason for everything
That comes and goes
But so many people are looking to me
To be strong and to fight
But I’m just surviving
I may be weak but I’m never defeated
And I’ll keep believing
In clouds with that sweet silver lining
I try my best to put on a brave face
My bones are cold and my heart breaks
But all the while
Somethings keeping me safe
I wont give up like this
I will be given strength
And now that Ive found it
Nothing can take that away"
If I had to pick a song that fit the way I was feeling, this would be the song. I first heard Kate Voegele's music on One Tree Hill when I was going to school in Kansas. Around this same time of year my roommates and I realized that her tour dates consisted of three states that were very close to where we were. One concert was actually in Kansas, one was in Missouri and the other Nebraska. We traveled the states following Kate and the other two bands that were playing with her. Her music became my life soundtrack, the lyrics just seemed to fit my life in so many different ways. As I was driving the other day, this song came on. It was a day that I was really struggling and I just couldn't see past my pain.
Tonight the song came on again as I was driving home...
Today was a different day then Saturday. I was in a different place then I was that day, both mentally and physically. I had a relaxing day today, got a massage and had a physical therapy appointment. I have actually started to enjoy my days off. I am realizing that allowing myself time not to think about life as a whole is a good thing. My physical therapy appointment went really well today, which was the first time it had been good in over a week. I didn't exactly workout but it was more than I had been able to do since my bike ride last Tuesday. Today was filled with a lot of positive's but it was important for me to see them as positive's even though I would have wanted certain things to be better. I needed for today to be good, it felt like I was due for a good day. It was weird for me at the time because I felt so out of it all day. It was as if I didn't understand what was happening to me at the time. I haven't really felt like myself lately but all I can do is keep hoping for my life to change a bit.
Now back to the purpose behind the lyrics...
I needed to hear that song tonight. As I listened to the lyrics again, I began to think about what it was saying in a different way. Instead of focusing on the negative words, I was able to understand the purpose behind the song, the positive meaning. Dark clouds bring storms and storms bring rain, which is the reason clouds usually signify something bad. But as you listen or read the rest of the song it talks about a sweet silver lining. The dark clouds that cover the sky only last a short time and then as the light shines through we are able to see a bright light. That light tells us that the storm is almost over and the sun will be shining soon.
When you hear the saying "clouds with that sweet silver lining", it means that no matter how bad it seems at the time there will be a point where things get better or there will be a short period where life isn't too bad. It may only be enough to get you through one day, but sometimes all we need is one good day to give us the hope to keep going.
"I may be weak but I’m never defeated And I’ll keep believing In clouds with that sweet silver lining"
These three lines are the lyrics that stick out to me the most. Because I do believe that one day I will be happy again and my life will be different. I don't know if normal is the right word to use but I must understand that there is going to be a new normal at some point. My mom and I are already having to get used to a new normal, a normal that we aren't very comfortable with. Everything is a new challenge and we are left to figure out how to deal with each one the best we can. At some point we won't expect everything to be so hard and living won't be so exhausting. There will come a time where we are able to live a life that is closer to what it used to be. I will keep believing that day will happen and I honestly can't wait until it does. That doesn't mean that I wont still miss my dad or wish he was here, but I will be able to live a more normal life knowing that he is with me every step of the way.
Hope is a word used very often by people going through all different kinds of struggles. No matter what the struggle may be the word still means the same thing. Each person is hoping for a silver lining around all the pain and hardship. Staying hopeful through trials is the most important thing. Having faith to keep walking without knowing what's ahead is never easy but it's worth it. I have faith that God will use all of my pain for something much bigger, something that is so much better than being depressed and miserable. I know that I am being prepared for something, and I may not know what that something is for a long time but I do know that it will be clear sooner or later. All I can do right now is hang on to that faith and keep hoping that happiness shows up sooner rather than later.
I am thankful that I can think clearly some days because it helps me remember that I can always make it through the hard days. I was forced to grow up much quicker then I would have wanted to but I am also learning a lot about myself. I am learning how to handle a wide array of emotions. I never thought I could go through such a wide array of emotions, at least not more then I already had, but I was wrong. I remember in those moments thinking I will never get through this, but I did, which is how I know I will make it this time too. I have amazing strength all around me and the days where I can't seem to fight, the right people are there to pick me up and let me know that I can get through it. I know I will be okay, I have no other choice but to keep fighting and believe.