Current Feelings

Usually when I write it's because something during my day caused me to rethink or possibly realize certain things that are taking place in my life. I write not only to express myself but to also hope that someone else can get something out of what I talk about. Tonight I am writing to release some of the things I have been holding on to and to get out in the open what has been going on with me lately. I guess you could look at this blog as an update of what is going on in my life, especially for those of you who don't see me regularly.

It's been three months since my dad passed away and I would love to say that things are getting easier but that's not the case. I am realizing that although grief is something that really can't be explained, there are a lot of similar emotions that people deal with at some point during their journey. The difficult thing is the fact that each emotion hits people at different times. The process of grief isn't something that can be explained very easily or even understood by anyone that hasn't actually gone through it. The one thing that everyone agrees on is the fact that grief is one of the most difficult journeys to go through. It's filled with extreme up's and down's and it can cause you to be overcome with joy one minute and crying the next. Most of the time these feelings can't be controlled and you must allow these emotions to run their course.

Lately I have noticed a lot of changes in my daily life. I am still struggling to sleep at night and if I do fall asleep, it's hard to stay asleep. My mind is constantly racing with a million and one thoughts about things I have no control over. The worst part about that is I can sit here and admit that I have no control over these situations but can't stop worrying. I am someone who worries about a lot of things even when I know it's out of my control. I try to be the strong one, the person who takes on as much as possible so nobody else has to, proving I am more like my dad then I ever would have admitted before now. The most recent thing I have been struggling with are panic attacks. I thought I knew what a panic attack was, but now I know that I never actually understood what was happening. The times I thought I was having an attack, I really wasn't. I also feel bad for ever telling someone to just relax because it's not that easy. These attacks happen without notice and they range in the amount of time they last. It's one of the oddest feelings I have ever had to deal with. The fact that whatever is going on is out of my control is difficult for me to accept, yet not accepting what is going on only makes it worse. I am constantly exhausted. I fight so many emotions trying to make it through my day the best I can that by late afternoon I am drained, emotionally and physically.

I have learned a lot about the connection between physical pain and emotional pain. I have seen my inner struggles be manifested into physical pain within seconds of thinking or being told of something difficult for me to hear. On days that my physical pain is unbearable my mind also seems to struggle with life as a whole. Noticing the correlation between the two has actually helped me some of the days because I have been able to understand my physical pain and fight to keep my mind in a positive place. It's amazing how for the most part the two are often connected with one another, yet in reality we have control over the shift in our mind. We have the ability to not allow physical pain to manifest into a mental breakdown. I have been doing my best to keep my mind in a positive place, which is why the panic attacks are so difficult for me to handle. These are all such new emotions, emotions that I don't really understand and may never understand. I am doing my best but don't really feel that my best is good enough right now. I feel at times that I could be handling everything much better then I am. I know I am doing everything I can for the most part, but that still doesn't make me feel any different about how I am dealing with it all.

Another thing that has constantly been on my mind is my future. I honestly have no clue what I want to do. I thought I knew but now I really have no idea. I also am lost with when to move on with everything. I feel like if I was to be in school right now it would be useless because I wouldn't be able to focus and I wouldn't have the motivation to do my best. I can't even sit down and read for enjoyment let alone read a textbook. How do I know when it's right to start living more normal? I don't want to look back on my life and not remember anything I was taught or what classes I was even in. I want to keep living and I am trying to live as normal as possible but I just don't know if jumping into school is the best thing for me right now. I am at a point in all this that I have no clue what I want or what I should do. I feel so lost. I have never wanted time to move so fast, yet also want it to slow down. These feelings are so strange. If I could just figure out what I want or what is best for me then things would be a lot easier. I know that I shouldn't worry about all of this and I know that I have no control over what happens but I am scared. I am scared that I am going to fail and not make something of myself. I have never been so scared in my entire life. All of this is so hard and I know life isn't easy but with all that is going on my future seems so far away. I am absolutely terrified that I am going to fall apart. I just want to be given some kind of sign that everything will be okay.

I have been reading the verse Jeremiah 29:11 over and over, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future", yet I feel as if there are no plans for my life as of right now. This verse seems to pop up at the times I need it the most but like I said before I am just scared of the place I am sitting currently. The best thing for me to do right now is just take some time to breathe and calm down. I am causing myself to panic so much about all the things that are currently taking place. Between everything going on with my grandma's to trying to help my mom, it's just exhausting. I don't know what to do for anyone, I don't know how to help. I am doing the best I can. I am trying to live as normal as I can, but every day is more and more difficult. I feel horrible for even feeling like this because I know that other people have it so much worse. I am actually lucky to have a lot of the stuff I have and I am grateful for all the good in my life. I knew this would be hard but I guess I expected it to be a little easier then it is. It's like I am crumbling to pieces and the one who used to be there to pick all those up is no longer here.

Since my dad passed away this is probably the most I have expressed my inner feelings on my blog where all could see. I am not one to show weakness and I hate being in a position where I feel vulnerable but I have been adding to this post for days. I kept thinking that I didn't want to put this up and allow anyone to see it but then I felt that I needed to. I needed to get all this stuff out because I have been holding on to it for a couple weeks. I have been acting as a container lately and my container is overflowing with different thoughts. At least on here people can choose to read or not read. I usually don't even know who has actually been reading what I write. I am not giving up so hopefully this isn't that negative. I am going to keep fighting to work through all of this, I just don't really know what it's going to look like to everyone else. I feel like I need to hide, but hiding is probably not the answer. I just have to keep doing my best because right now my best is all I got.

God Bless,
Tay

Remember Me

It's been three months...three long but extremely fast months. The length of time without having my dad here seems like forever even though in reality it really hasn't been very long at all. I never could have prepared myself for something like this, and it makes me wonder how people do. I know that no matter what losing someone is hard but some have said that being able to prepare makes it a little easier. I wouldn't know the answer to that but I couldn't imagine it being any easier. The void that is left is so great that preparing for that feeling seems impossible.

On days like today, days that tend to symbolize some kind of meaning in this journey, I usually try to prepare myself for what could possibly happen. This morning on my way to work I asked my dad to be with me, I asked him to give me strength to make it through the day the best I could. He was with me and he gave me that strength, but I also realized that if I constantly think about the possibility of something being hard that it's going to make it even more difficult. It's important for me to prepare because it allows me to be ready for anything but I also need to make sure that I am not over preparing. Over preparing tends to back fire in this type of situation and it's also exhausting. At times I find myself trying so hard to be happy that I am actually thinking about it too much and not allowing myself to just live. I have it in my head that I have to be smiling and laughing all the time, which at times causes me to feel more separated from the people and things surrounding me. I found myself hitting an extreme wall today and being completely out of it for a long period of time. Once my mind gets into that spot it's difficult to find my way out of it. I am not sure if this is just how it's going to be for a while or what but it's hard to fall into that mental barrier.

I need to work on a lot of things but one thing is just living. I need to allow myself to feel the necessary feelings for that day rather then trying to figure out ways around it. I have always been so hard on myself when I can't control my emotions or figure out how to not show what's going on, which makes this process that much harder. I have noticed that I try so hard to be happy because I know it's what everyone else wants to see and in return I hold in what's really going on. I have gone back to being the person that holds everything in instead of opening up and letting people see what's taking place on the inside. I think that is part of the reason that my extremely difficult days always make me feel like I will never make it through all of this. Another thing I need to accept and admit is that I am going through something that is very difficult. There is no right or wrong way to dealing with a loss. It doesn't matter how many books I read or grief pages I look at, because my process isn't going to be anything like that. There will be similarities and the ideas will definitely be helpful but it won't be exactly the same. Between the loss of my dad and the physical pain I have been in, I am dealing with a lot. The things that have always helped me get through tough situations seem to be constantly taken away from me. I have had to find other ways to cope with the pain and stress that has taken over my life at times. I have found joy in my work, I love talking and caring for other people but at times I find myself forgetting how much that means to me. When things in my life become to overpowering I notice that it's harder for me to make it through the day without getting annoyed or aggravated by little things. This feeling has been occurring more recently and it's a feeling I am not okay with. The last thing I want to lose passion for is my job.

My job is to help others, to provide people with the care and support that they deserve. The incredible care that my dad showed on a day to day basis to every person he came in contact with, especially his patients. Being at work makes me feel closer to my dad. I feel like it's a place that I can make him proud and it's a bond that we always had that no one else in my family understand. We were able to talk about our days and talk about medical situations knowing that the other person would understand. I loved telling my dad about my day. It was so exciting to come home and tell him what I learned or tell him nice things that people said to me. I miss having that person to talk to that was excited about what happened throughout my day. Even though my dad is no longer here, work is a place that still makes me feel like I have a close connection with him. These past three months, work has been the biggest enjoyment because I feel my dad with me. I can't and don't want to lose that enjoyment.

Although multiple things have been taken from me, I will not allow my attitude at work to also change. I can make it through this. I can fight through those bad days and bring about positives in the lives of others. I am thankful that today was a good day and that I was able to keep a positive attitude for the most part. Some moments were harder than others and later in the day seemed to be more difficult but I made it through. At some point this day wont be a "hard day" anymore. It will just be like any other day. I will know that my dad is with me just as much on this day as he is every day. I also won't feel like I have to ask him to be with me or ask him to give me strength. In fact, I don't need to ask him that now either. He is my strength, he is my angel and he is proud of me more and more as each day passes.

"Whatever you do in life will be insignificant but it is very important that you do it because you can't know, you can't ever really know the meaning of your life. And you don't need to, just know that your life has a meaning. Every life has a meaning whether it lasts one hundred years or one hundred seconds. Every life and every death changes the world in its own way. Ghandi knew this, he knew his life would mean something to someone, somewhere, somehow. And he knew with as much certainty that he could never know that meaning...He understood that enjoying life should be of much greater concern then understanding it. And so do I. You can't know...So don't take it for granted...But don't take it too seriously...Don't postpone what you want...Don't leave anything misunderstood...Make sure the people you care about know...Make sure they know how you really feel...Because just like that...It could end."

This quote is from the movie Remember Me, which is centered around 9/11. When I watched this movie the first time I wrote the quote that is written above but forgot where I had put it. As I looked through my emails the other day I went to the note section, which is sent from my phone and dated August 6th was an email with the quote written out in full. I am glad that I wrote this quote out because the words are amazing and I feel that it speaks volumes.

Every single day is important and every event that occurs has some kind of significance in our lives. We don't always know the impact we have on others, we don't even know the impact we have on the people we are around on a daily basis. I doubt my dad had any idea of the impact he had on so many people. The stories, the cards, the comments and the legacy that he has left behind is absolutely amazing. It has proven to me that all you can do is live the life you have been given. Some have it harder than others and some are expected to fight through much harder situations but no matter what it is that you struggle with, it's a struggle you were meant to go through. We are all meant to fight, we were never promised an easy life but always remember that the life you live has an importance. The choices we make and where we end up is what is supposed to happen. We are placed where we can be of help to others and where we can serve.

I have been lucky enough to see the power of love. I had the opportunity to see the true meaning of how you love and care for people whether others feel they deserve it or not. For 21 years I watched my dad give his whole heart to the people he came in contact with, a heart that wasn't even strong enough to fight off the horrible battle that takes place for people with Heart Disease. He never understood why he was the one battling Heart Disease when he exercised and cared about his health so much. He wouldn't allow himself to think about why those who didn't care about their health weren't the ones struggling. He accepted his condition and attempted to enjoy life the best he could with the time he was given. My dad chose life rather than fearing death. In the end, I choose to remember my dad for the love he showed my family. His life had extreme meaning for each of us, his life changed my life and most of the people that knew him. And...his death changed our lives dramatically. We lost strength and we lost a lot of love. Those two things are not easy to move on without but I know that my dad would want me to. He would want me to show that strength and love to every person that I happen to meet on my life journey. More importantly he would want me to show that to my family and friends...the two things that were so important to him. I love my dad and I miss him so much. I have faith that one day the pain wont be so bad and I will finally be happy again. I can't wait for that day.

*One last thing...I ask that special prayers be centered around people in Pittsburgh. There are three special people that need lots of prayers as they continue to battle health issues. My mom's mom is now included in that and she definitely needs some strength from God. Thank you all for your continued prayers and support for my family.

Love always,
Tay

Sweet Silver Lining

"I’m going home
Downhearted and hoping
I’m close to some new beginning
I know
There’s a reason for everything
That comes and goes

But so many people are looking to me
To be strong and to fight
But I’m just surviving
I may be weak but I’m never defeated
And I’ll keep believing
In clouds with that sweet silver lining

Most days
I try my best to put on a brave face
But inside
My bones are cold and my heart breaks
But all the while
Somethings keeping me safe
And alive

I wont give up like this
I will be given strength
And now that Ive found it
Nothing can take that away"

If I had to pick a song that fit the way I was feeling, this would be the song. I first heard Kate Voegele's music on One Tree Hill when I was going to school in Kansas. Around this same time of year my roommates and I realized that her tour dates consisted of three states that were very close to where we were. One concert was actually in Kansas, one was in Missouri and the other Nebraska. We traveled the states following Kate and the other two bands that were playing with her. Her music became my life soundtrack, the lyrics just seemed to fit my life in so many different ways. As I was driving the other day, this song came on. It was a day that I was really struggling and I just couldn't see past my pain.

Tonight the song came on again as I was driving home...

Today was a different day then Saturday. I was in a different place then I was that day, both mentally and physically. I had a relaxing day today, got a massage and had a physical therapy appointment. I have actually started to enjoy my days off. I am realizing that allowing myself time not to think about life as a whole is a good thing. My physical therapy appointment went really well today, which was the first time it had been good in over a week. I didn't exactly workout but it was more than I had been able to do since my bike ride last Tuesday. Today was filled with a lot of positive's but it was important for me to see them as positive's even though I would have wanted certain things to be better. I needed for today to be good, it felt like I was due for a good day. It was weird for me at the time because I felt so out of it all day. It was as if I didn't understand what was happening to me at the time. I haven't really felt like myself lately but all I can do is keep hoping for my life to change a bit.

Now back to the purpose behind the lyrics...

I needed to hear that song tonight. As I listened to the lyrics again, I began to think about what it was saying in a different way. Instead of focusing on the negative words, I was able to understand the purpose behind the song, the positive meaning. Dark clouds bring storms and storms bring rain, which is the reason clouds usually signify something bad. But as you listen or read the rest of the song it talks about a sweet silver lining. The dark clouds that cover the sky only last a short time and then as the light shines through we are able to see a bright light. That light tells us that the storm is almost over and the sun will be shining soon.

When you hear the saying "clouds with that sweet silver lining", it means that no matter how bad it seems at the time there will be a point where things get better or there will be a short period where life isn't too bad. It may only be enough to get you through one day, but sometimes all we need is one good day to give us the hope to keep going.

"I may be weak but I’m never defeated And I’ll keep believing In clouds with that sweet silver lining"

These three lines are the lyrics that stick out to me the most. Because I do believe that one day I will be happy again and my life will be different. I don't know if normal is the right word to use but I must understand that there is going to be a new normal at some point. My mom and I are already having to get used to a new normal, a normal that we aren't very comfortable with. Everything is a new challenge and we are left to figure out how to deal with each one the best we can. At some point we won't expect everything to be so hard and living won't be so exhausting. There will come a time where we are able to live a life that is closer to what it used to be. I will keep believing that day will happen and I honestly can't wait until it does. That doesn't mean that I wont still miss my dad or wish he was here, but I will be able to live a more normal life knowing that he is with me every step of the way.

Hope is a word used very often by people going through all different kinds of struggles. No matter what the struggle may be the word still means the same thing. Each person is hoping for a silver lining around all the pain and hardship. Staying hopeful through trials is the most important thing. Having faith to keep walking without knowing what's ahead is never easy but it's worth it. I have faith that God will use all of my pain for something much bigger, something that is so much better than being depressed and miserable. I know that I am being prepared for something, and I may not know what that something is for a long time but I do know that it will be clear sooner or later. All I can do right now is hang on to that faith and keep hoping that happiness shows up sooner rather than later.

I am thankful that I can think clearly some days because it helps me remember that I can always make it through the hard days. I was forced to grow up much quicker then I would have wanted to but I am also learning a lot about myself. I am learning how to handle a wide array of emotions. I never thought I could go through such a wide array of emotions, at least not more then I already had, but I was wrong. I remember in those moments thinking I will never get through this, but I did, which is how I know I will make it this time too. I have amazing strength all around me and the days where I can't seem to fight, the right people are there to pick me up and let me know that I can get through it. I know I will be okay, I have no other choice but to keep fighting and believe.

Love always,

Tay

One of Those Days

I miss my dad. I miss having someone that could make me laugh and would listen to me the minute I walked through the door. My life is so incredibly different without him here. I really am trying to stay strong and be positive about all this but it's so difficult at times. I am exhausted and when I struggle to sleep it makes it even harder to keep a positive attitude. I was having such a good week and the last time I had a bad day was over a week ago. The fact that I was able to make it over a week without a bad day is progress and that is something I should be happy about. I need to look at my progress as a positive thing and strive to get better each week. I know I will have these days but will they always be so hard? Will my day be extremely hard to make it through each time I have a shift in my mood? These are questions that I am not sure anyone knows the answer to. My guess is the answer will be the same as it usually is, "it's just going to take time and with time it will get better." To tell you the truth I really don't agree with that statement. I have heard the word time a lot in my life and there were points where it really upset me to hear that. It's an answer that does nothing for the person that is actually in the situation. I will admit, I have said that to a number of people because there are points in time where that's all you can say. It's as if we know we can't help someone so we just say it will get better to try and make them believe it. I think in reality we say it knowing it's not easy and also knowing that there really is no telling how much time it may take. Time is really only good for one thing...to tell us the hour of the day. When we are asked to give something time to heal, or time apart, or with time it will get better, it makes the idea of time seem like forever. It makes you hate the word time because you don't actually know the amount it could end up being. Right now, honestly, I feel as if its my own worst enemy. I see a little light but I don't see an end in sight. [pretty sweet rhyming skills if you ask me :) ]

Time will never ever heal the wound that will be left from losing my dad. I know it will get easier, I do believe that, but it will never be gone. I know there will always be a huge feeling of loss in my heart and the feeling of wishing he was still here will never leave. One thing that has been bothering me is the fact that I went through almost an entire day without thinking about my dad. I feel like that shouldn't be the case, that it's too soon for me to just completely forget about him for that long. I know I am supposed to live my life and that he would want me to not think about him all day, everyday, but it still doesn't seem right. As I was driving home from work that night it clicked to me that I had been too busy with my life to even stop and think about him for a second. Maybe that's a good thing? I don't really know how to look at that.

Tonight has definitely been a struggle, in fact, the entire day was a struggle. It could have been the emotions of the entire week or maybe it was just one bad day at the end of a lot of good days. I am thankful for the good days and I am also thankful for the bad days. Without the bad days I wouldn't recognize the rest of the days as good. Without those days I also wouldn't gain the strength that is needed to fight these days by myself. I am thankful for the freedom to write whenever I need to. Writing is becoming the only thing that can't be taken away from me and is always there whenever I need. Writing has allowed me to express emotions to people I usually wouldn't open up to and also gives people a chance to understand what is going through my mind. I seem to be much better at expressing myself in writing then by speaking. I am encouraged by things I have said. I usually don't realize it while I am writing but as soon as I go back and read what I wrote I am able to see the good in my life.

“Either you run the day or the day runs you.”

I came across this quote tonight and I really started to think about the meaning. I find this quote to really speak volumes. Usually how the day begins is how it will end because once the day starts off good or bad it tends to continue down that path. Not always the case but a lot of the time it is. It takes a lot of energy to fight that feeling and turn it around. You begin to see everything in the same light. For me, today was one of those days. I woke up exhausted and in pain, so as the day went on that is all I could think about. I wasn't focused on anything except the fact that I didn't sleep and that my body was hurting. As those thoughts continued to manifest I began to get frustrated that I was in pain and that I couldn't do certain things, such as, workout. And before all this started the main reason I was thinking all these thoughts was because I didn't get enough sleep. This quote is stating the obvious, however if we are able to think about this idea each morning then maybe we can turn our day around before it goes down the wrong path. Just maybe we can turn a day that looks bad into something good. There was so much good in this day. The good outweighed the fact that I wasn't having the best day by a HUGE amount but it wasn't easy to see that. Good things were only noticeable at certain points and I even realized at the time that I should be thankful for the amazing things that were happening around me.

I am okay with the fact that today wasn't a good day because it's over and all I can do now is move on from it. It was a good day for other people and that makes the day good for me. There are miracles happening constantly. Yes, there is a lot of bad but there is also a lot of good we just have to open our eyes to what is around us. Each of us have something to be happy about. Very hard for me to see at a time where nothing seems good, but in my heart I believe it. My eyes might be struggling to focus in on the good in my life but my heart knows that I have so much of it all around me. I know that tomorrow is going to be a better day. I am hoping I can get some sleep tonight and that I will feel better about the place I am in. Struggles are just part of life and we each have to do our best to deal with what has been given to us. It's not always easy for me to see but I know I will make it. I can't lose hope that one day all of this will be much easier. I think the purpose of me writing tonight was to let out some of the emotions I was feeling. It's not meant to be completely negative so I hope you can pull from this some of the positives that I still am able to see. I thank you all for your patience with me and your ability to listen even when you don't understand.

*Please pray for those people who are battling cancer day in and day out...their strength and determination to never give up is truly amazing!

God Bless,
Tay

A Part of the Puzzle

Sometimes days have the ability to piece together as if our lives were part of a puzzle. Now that I think about it our lives relate very easily to a puzzle. Puzzles have important pieces to them and without each piece the puzzle can't be completed. There are events and people in our lives that act as our puzzle pieces and without those our life is not complete.

You may wonder where this thought came from but trust me when I say there really is a legitimate reason. Today was one of my days off, which have included very similar things each week. It's a day that I am able to use to work on my own life and things I want to do rather than worrying about everything else. I slept in a little longer than usual, which was definitely needed. I couldn't decide where I wanted to ride today, for some reason it was a difficult decision. Everything in me was telling me to just go ride at Miramar Lake because it would be an easy ride and wouldn't take much effort. Instead I decided to start my ride from my house and if you have ever been on my road you understand the first hill that must be climbed. I would like to tell you that my hill is the reason I haven't done a bike ride from my house since getting my new bike. However, that is not the reason.

In order to ride from my house, while also taking the safest road into Ramona, the route includes passing by the spot where my dad was found. I have been to the spot since he passed but I was in a car and for some reason that seemed very different to me. I sat down and really thought about my options. In my opinion the last thing I want is for anything that has to do with my dad to hold me back from living my life. Since beginning to bike, without even really trying I have consistently decided other routes to ride besides one's close to home. If Ramona is good for anything, bike riding is one of those things. So after a little thought I decided I would break through one of my fears and attack it with everything I had. As I passed by the spot that once had broken glass from his windows, I realized the glass was gone. It was at that time that I felt an overwhelming and anxious feeling come over me. This feeling did not last very long because as I continued my ride I began to feel at peace. The first thought that came over me was a feeling as if I no longer had a place to go where I could visibly see something that reminded me of my dad. After a short time it hit me that my dad is everywhere. I think I knew that before but no longer seeing the glass on the ground helped me realize that I was holding on to that place to tight. It was a spot that I shouldn't be holding on to because it really had no significance to the amazing life my dad lived. My ride continued, and I enjoyed every bit of it. It was a beautiful day and I felt awesome. I returned home after 22 miles and was still able to say that it was a good day and a good ride.

I also had a physical therapy appointment today, which I was really looking forward to. I felt good and was excited to see how much I had improved. A few weeks ago Kristen had an idea for me to write a pain journal explaining the events that take place each day in my life and how I feel at the end of the day. Not only do I explain how I was physically but also mentally in hopes of seeing connections between the two. Today, Kristen gave me my journal back because she had gone over all my entries. There were a few things that she said when she had me look at it, but the one that stuck in my mind was the fact that my really bad days mentally usually consisted of a bad physical day too. She told me to pay attention to that during my days especially when things showed up either mentally or physically. By the end of my appointment today my back had completely tightened up and I was in a lot of pain. I was struggling to move properly and tried to calm it down using heat. My back just wasn't having it and nothing seemed to help at that time. I felt frustration come over me but I tried to just laugh about it. I mean come on whenever things seem to be going so well another issue shows up and tries to bring me down. Been over it for a while now. As I left my work I could feel myself start getting hard on myself and my situation so I reminded myself of what Kristen told me. Rather than allowing my emotions to continue to fall back into that dark hole, I kept restating the fact that my day had been so good up until that point. I talked myself through the situation and did not want to allow my mental status to drop just because I was in pain. It seemed to be working, which was a good process for me to really focus on. It didn't end there though...

I made it home and I was looking forward to just relaxing for the rest of the night. I got home before my mom so I went to the end of the driveway to get the trash cans and mail, in hopes of making her life a little easier. I grabbed the mail first and turned around to a truck that had pulled up behind me. She stopped her truck right next to me and rolled down the window. Her name was Lisa and she was a neighbor that lived down the street from me. She began by saying I am really sorry to hear about your loss. It all made sense because a week after my dad passed away my uncle met a lady that had told him that she saw my dad that day and was near the scene of the incident. For some odd reason, ever since that day I have wanted to know who the lady was and her side of the story. I wasn't able to figure out why I wanted that but it was just a very strong feeling that I had. This lady was struggling to look me in the eye and she started to recall what happened that morning. She didn't even know my dads name but she spoke of him as the neighbor that would always say hi and talk to her. On that day she recognized his car and it clicked to her that it was her neighbor. She told me how usually she would be walking her dog but on that day she was driving into Ramona with her husband. She had been wanting for weeks to come talk to us but didn't know how to go about it. I told her that I appreciated her stopping and that I had also been wanting to meet her.

It was weird to me that a lady that didn't even know my father's name or much about his life, felt a strong connection with him. She told me that every time she walks down there she thinks of him and also about my family. I was smiling throughout the conversation because I knew that I had just met another person and another life that my dad had impacted. At that time all I could do was smile. He was the epitome of amazing and the more people talk about him the more I realize that. It was at that point that everything began to click. I had been right there this morning and while I thought the glass no longer being there was a bad thing, it really is not. Then my back had to act up forcing me to fight my mental state and not allowing myself to drop into that hole that was waiting for me. If I would have allowed myself to crumble, meeting this lady would have been a horrible experience for me, and I would have fell further. However, because I was in a good place with the ability to see the connections between the two, I immediately was able to see the positive. I attacked my fear this morning with everything I had by riding my bike a route that scared me more than anything. Then, tonight I finally got the closure that I needed from that day. I feel that I am now able to move past that specific day in a good way. There is nothing about "that spot" that scares me. I feel that I have overcome two big things that needed to happen.

This is where the beginning now makes sense because the events that took place today had to happen in the way they did or the outcome may have been very different. If it wasn't for each puzzle piece in our life, we would have no memories and no real connection to anything around us. Life can be very difficult at times and challenges us to deal with each situation that presents itself the best we can. I have always hated puzzles because I would get frustrated with how difficult they were. I didn't have the patience to sit and figure out where each piece was supposed to be. Instead I just wanted the finish product and once I had that I was bored with the fact that the challenge was no longer there and the puzzle was complete. When I think about that sentence I realize that at certain points in my life I have felt the exact same way. I was unhappy when the difficult task was in front of me but once it was over I was bored and wanted a new challenge. It now makes sense how every situation in our lives has a purpose, even the little ones. If we didn't have the small, seemingly useless pieces then the puzzle could never be completed. Those pieces leave us without holes or questions.

I am thankful for the events that took place today. Although my day didn't happen the exact way I would have liked it to, I still wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I am going to be fine and I will make it through all of this. I have more people behind me, praying for me and thinking about me then I even know, which is something to be thankful for in itself.

Tonight I am Just Writing to Write

Before I start writing I just want you all to know that I honestly have no clue what my blog will contain tonight. I really wanted to write and truthfully I am not even sure what I am going to say.

Lately my days have been filled with a lot of good things, which is something I can be extremely thankful for. As I continue to deal with the journey of grief, I become more and more interested in the process. It amazes me how different each day can be and how quickly things can turn from good to bad or the other way around. Sometimes I wonder how psychologists and counselors handle people that are dealing with grief because they never know how someone will react. Shoot how do the friends of people grieving deal with it. I have been on both sides of the track, which helps me understand the difficulties that people around me are dealing with, however I think I still don't always understand. As much as I don't expect anything from people I think a big part of me also does and when people aren't there I don't understand why they aren't.

I have been trying to deal with things by myself more lately because I know it's not fair to constantly rely on people. I have started to fully understand the mental battle that a person deals with on a minute to minute basis when dealing with the loss of someone close. It's a struggle and it takes a lot of strength to fight emotions that are so overpowering, which is exhausting in itself. Grief is a draining process. I feel like I use the word draining a lot to describe how I feel, but it's true. Everything that I do throughout my day is much harder than it used to be. I have to exert much more energy to live then I have ever had to. Making a conscious decision each day to find the good in the situations that present themselves while also remembering that the people around me are more important can be difficult.

It has always been so easy for me to put myself last, to just shut down or shut people out but now I am supposed to focus on putting myself first and doing whats best for me. It's a new thing for me and it has been a work in progress. It's something that causes me to feel very selfish. I feel like I am not there for the people that need me especially my family. But one thing is for sure, if we don't take care of ourselves we can't help anyone else. If we aren't happy or can't handle what's taking place in our own lives, how can we be any help to anyone else? The first person that needs to be taken care of is you.

Writing that last paragraph was something that I needed to get out. Not for anyone else, but for me. I needed to hear myself say that and be fine with saying it. I have felt really bad lately that I haven't talked to anyone in my family very much. As much as I have tried not to think about, I still do because it kills me to not be there for them. Early on last week, Tuesday for that matter, I realized I wasn't doing myself any good trying to be strong for everyone else and taking on their problems. I needed to take time for myself, time to be alone and figure things out. Talking to family can be hard to handle when things aren't going well. Ever since I found out my grandma's cancer had returned I have shut myself out more and more. I am not doing it on purpose or to hurt anyone else but right now I just can't take on extra baggage. I feel weak saying that and it makes me question the strength within me, but it's just not something I feel I can deal with. I felt like I was taking on too much each day and wasn't properly dealing with my own issues. It was at that time that I felt like the people around me were also having to deal with too much and I wasn't enjoying anything about my life. Since then I have been able to spend time with others and truly enjoy my time with them, as well as, spend time alone and make it through tough moments with no help.

Life is a battle for each and every person. There is no one person that doesn't have to battle through something. It could be a death, disease, injury, break-up, or even just an emotion on that day but no matter what it's still a battle. I have come to realize that it's very easy to become unhappy about our lives and get stuck in a place that is miserable. Being sad or mad about the things that surround you is easy and you can get stuck in that mindset with the snap of a finger. Take time to really think about that idea. Being happy and positive about life when it may not be what you really want is hard. I would never try to sit here and tell anyone that life is easy to deal with. But I think at times we get so used to feeling unhappy that we don't even attempt to find our way out of it. There are so many things that each and every one of us can be thankful for. There is no one situation that is worse than another because each of our horrible situations are different. I don't look at the place I am in and think that I am dealing with anything more then the person next to me. The reason I have that mindset is because it doesn't allow me to stay in that attitude of "poor me". It forces me to wake up each day knowing that someone out there has it worse than me. Knowing that makes me try my hardest to smile, laugh, and enjoy life the best I can. None of us know how much time we will be here so there is no point to waste it being unhappy or worrying about things we have no control over. If we can look at each situation, even the bad ones, as something that can change our lives for the better then we help ourselves immediately fight harder. That mindset alone challenges each of us to do our best.

So today, think about your attitude and the things you have to be thankful for. Ask yourself if your attitude is helping you live a life that is worth talking about, and be positive with yourself. If your answer is no, then make it a goal to change and attempt to be as positive as possible. If your answer is yes, then figure out what you can do to help those around you become more positive. Maybe little by little each of us will see a change in the people we surround ourselves with and peoples lives will be changed for the better. This should be the goal we all wish to achieve.

Take time to think about what you have to be thankful for and even write it down. You can write it here or in a place that only you can see. I am thankful for each and every one of you.

.Smile.Laugh.Enjoy Life & Never Give Up...You Will Make It!

Love Always,
Tay

From Bad to Good

As I look back on the week I immediately begin to question how I made it out of the darkest hole I have fell into in a very long time. Tuesday was one of the roughest days I have had since my dad passed away. I felt a hole in my heart that nothing could repair. I wanted people to be there but I also did not want people to be there. I had a hard time allowing myself to ask for help because I was afraid of people seeing or even hearing me at my worst. The question that seemed to be asked by many was, "did anything trigger these emotions?", and the answer to that question is no. I woke up just like any other day and went for a bike ride, which is usually the start of a good day. My bike ride wasn't what I expected and I couldn't ride the length or time that I had wanted. Once my ride was over I headed to my work because I had a physical therapy appointment. I immediately did not want to be there. I had no interest in anything, which was a new feeling for me because any other day working on my physical injuries was something I felt I needed. It was usually something that was important to me. But, on this day, everything that was usually important to me just wasn't. I felt like my heart was stuck somewhere else and my mind didn't know how to handle it. I was confused and didn't know what I should do to help the feeling go away. Unlike most days I chose to go home and once I was home I just sat on the couch, alone. It was the most alone I have ever felt. As time went by the feelings became stronger. I began to pray that I would make it through the night because everything in me was saying I wouldn't and couldn't.

The crazy thing about these feelings is that anything positive was being hidden by dark thoughts. I talked about this similar situation in my last post about being stuck in a tunnel that you can't find your way out of. This was one of those times that I was so far in the tunnel that dark doesn't even describe what it looked like. I couldn't see anything around me, not even a glimpse of light. It's moments like these that all kinds of things begin to run through your head and you feel like you will never make it through. The amazing thing is, you will and you can. At the darkest moment the light shines and even if it's just for one second, that light gives us the hope we need to make it through. If we have the ability to fight off these horrible thoughts we can make it through anything. Our attitude determines how we will react to the situations that present themselves. Since that day I have been praying for my dad to make his presence known in my life. I have continued to pray that the healing hands that changed so many lives would change mine and give me hope to not give up. It was all I had, it was all I could do.

Time continued, which was a good thing because my week seemed to get better each day. My prayer seemed to be answered because by Thursday night I had very little pain. Thursday was a good day. I had a really good bike ride, my PT appointment went well and I was even able to do some exercises. After my appointment I went to the beach and laid out. Meggan met me at the beach and we spent some time talking and catching up. It was so awesome to see her. Meg had to drive back up to Irvine so her stay was short but she was someone I needed to spend some time with. The last event of my day was dinner with Theresa and Tova, which was long overdue. I went home that night feeling exhausted but lately that's a common feeling. As I prepared to go to bed I realized that I felt different than I usually do. I had worn vans most of the day and my ankle wasn't extremely swollen and painful like it usually would be, my back wasn't hurting, and my headache was a lot less than it had been. I was able to say for the first time in a while that I had very little pain. It was at that time that I realized that my prayer was being answered. I have no doubt that my dad had a part in how this week ended. Of course it couldn't have been possible without Kristen's help, but she may have been receiving a little help of her own.

I am thankful that I can do the things I am able to do on a daily basis. On my ride today I felt lucky to be able to sit on a bike and just ride away all my problems. We tend to forget that some people don't have the opportunity to do something like that. I am incredibly happy that I have found something that helps me cope with all the things that are happening around me. It's amazing how your world can be spinning a million miles an hour around you, however the minute you take off for a ride the mind focuses on that moment and that moment alone. For a short time, nothing else matters but the road ahead and the ability to not give up on the ride.

Today was a really good day. I had an awesome bike ride this morning in Coronado followed by lunch at Panera. It wasn't a usual Saturday morning for me but I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. After lunch I went and laid out at the beach for a couple hours and decided I would do a few laps around Fiesta Island before heading home. I ended up riding for 2 1/2 hours and a combined mileage of 36 miles, which is the most I have done in a day. My ride this morning was around 23 miles, which was also the longest ride I have done at one time. It felt so good and besides a headache my body feels great tonight.

Days like Tuesday are going to take place and there is nothing I can do to stop that. The more I try to stop those days from happening the worse they are going to be. I am lucky to have a group of people that want to be there for me and want to do whatever they can to help me. My support system continues to grow and it's amazing to know that so many people care about me. Most of the things going on in my life suck right now but I also have a lot to be thankful for. I can honestly sit here and say that things could always be worse, but it's how you react to the things happening around you that is a testament to the strength you have within. At times I wonder if I am handling all this the way one should but I also know that there is no right or wrong way to deal with the difficulties in our lives. I am doing everything I can to help myself and doing the things I feel I need to be doing. Ultimately all we can do is do our best to deal with the things that occur in our lives and try to stay positive even through the rain. No matter what the circumstance may be, no matter how bad the situation, we always have the ability to find our way out of it and change for the better.

Godspeed,
Tay

There Really Is Light...

So in the car today on my way to work I heard a song that I had not heard for a pretty long time and it spoke to me. I am a huge fan of music because of the impact one song can have in that moment and the ways in which lyrics relate so much to our lives at times. I think we often forget that so many other people struggle with similar things, so knowing that maybe just one other person understands makes things a little easier. The lyrics that stood out the most to me were...

"Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
Come on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning"

These lyrics gave me the hope I needed to know that one day this struggle won't have the same impact that it does on me today. The interesting thing was that last night while I couldn't sleep, my mind was racing as it usually does but this time I was able to find the analogy that best fits where I am at right now. As a child whenever I drove through a tunnel I always thought it was extremely exciting to come out on the other side...call me weird I am okay with that. I found excitement in seeing the light. It was especially cool when it was raining because for that moment the rain stopped and the minute the car came out of the tunnel it began to rain again. It's amazing what excites children. But anyways, as I laid in bed last night I began to understand a little about what it is that I am feeling. We hear the saying "there is light at the end of the tunnel" often, but it never means very much at the time because we just can't see it. But in reality, that statement is so very true. At some point, no telling when, the light will shine bright and whatever we are going through will no longer seem as huge as it once did. We try so hard to force the light to shine that we actually just prolong it because the tunnel is going to be as long as it's meant to last. When people are afraid to drive through a tunnel they attempt to speed up the process, which yes gets you through it faster but it's also more dangerous. The same goes in our lives. We can be afraid of the situation we are in and attempt to speed it up but instead of handling what scares us, we actually just skip over the things that need to occur for us to actually move on. You have to make it through the tunnel before you can get to what's waiting at the other side. And we may not know at that exact moment, actually we don't know, what that something is, but one day we will. This is the point that you realize that no matter what is thrown at you, you will make it to the other side.

As of now, I feel like my tunnel is never ending and I feel like the light will never shine through. But, that is my situation that is speaking because my heart knows that there really will be a bright light that one day I will see. No matter how dark my life looks right now, I know that it won't stay like this and I know that I will make it out of all this. God has much bigger plans for me then to be sad and depressed. My dad has much bigger plans for me too. I actually find comfort in knowing that there is light at the end of the tunnel. For some, that saying may just make things worse, but if you really think about it you will find that there is so much more to those words. Those words have become more than just a cheesy quote used to pick people up when things are hard. They have true meaning and they hold something far greater than most take the time to see.

I have began to realize that there is a lot more behind even the most common statements we use to help pick people up when they are down. I know that I tend to hear those sayings and just smile thinking "right, that one again" or "I have heard this one so many times and this person has no clue what I am going through"...yes, that may be true they may not understand but still think about what they are saying. Process the fact that it may be what you need to hear at that exact moment to change your mind about even just the smallest thing in your life. Do your best to actually care about things people say because they probably mean them. They may be that one person that understands a little about what you are going through.

Today was a good day. Not because anything special happened but because I had the chance to wake up and live out a life of love. Each day is a gift, a gift that we are lucky enough to be given. As hard as it may be there are always things to be thankful for. I am thankful for the people that are in my life. The people that have stuck by my side no matter what I was going through. I am thankful that I am lucky enough to say that I have a group of friends, family, and co-workers that care so much about me that they would do anything for me. It's not always easy to see all that but in my heart I always know it is true. I love and care for each and every person and thank you all for the support.

God Bless,
Tay

Life Is Not Easy

I have always tried my best to be as strong as I possibly could no matter what the situation was. I am quickly finding out that there are certain situations that showing strength doesn't mean anything anymore. Not that it means anything to anyone else but it has always meant something to me. Weakness is something I have felt a lot but I have done all I could to hide it from the rest of the world. Tonight, me writing in my blog is allowing myself to show some vulnerability. The saying "time heals all wounds" is a statement that I find to be completely untrue. There are some wounds that nothing will ever heal. Time may make things easier and less painful but that doesn't mean you ever fully heal from what happened. I can admit that I will never completely heal after losing my dad. There is always going to be a huge hole that is missing in my life and nothing can change that. I am doing the best I can each day and I am trying my hardest to take things minute by minute. As time goes on things continue to get even more difficult. It seems like ever since last week when my grandma was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I can no longer see the light. Each day I struggle more and more with the issues surrounding my life. I hate the spot I am in, yet I can't find my way out of it. And the worst part about all of this is my attitude is beginning to have an effect on those around me. I can honestly say that at this point I have no idea where to go from here. I thought that I was doing all these things to help me get through this the best I could and now I wonder if I really was. This is the reason that I never wanted to believe when people said I was handling everything so well because now I am not. I miss my dad and I miss how things used to be. I miss having a family and someone to go to in the time of need that was there no matter what. I know that at some point I will get through this. Even with all that's going on I know that there will be a time where I will be happy again and can go on with my life. I think what I am struggling with right now is I don't see it happening anytime soon and that kills me. It's killing me to listen to myself and read things that I have wrote because it doesn't sound like me at all. I hate the person I am becoming but can't seem to stop these emotions from happening. I know that I have no control over any of this and I know I have to allow God to take all these feelings from me but its not happening. This is one of those times that I really don't feel like God is there...I know He is don't get me wrong, but I don't feel it. I understand that this is all part of the grieving process, I have heard it so many times but I am not willing to use that as an excuse. I don't want to be a person that cant get through my day or is trying to find ways to escape. I want to fight these emotions and fight this process with all I have. I want God to allow me to use this all for good and to not let it tear apart my life. Is praying really the only thing I can do? That's the answer I seem to get from people, yet it doesn't seem to change me. I know I cant give up and that this is going to take time, but it's hard to move backwards. I really am not even sure what else to write, so I am going to end it here. I needed to get these feelings out and I guess I needed to do it in a place that I knew a few people may see it. I will keep walking forward in hopes that one day when I wake up things will be a little better. I know that my dad would want that and I know he would want me to continue on with my life. For now, I need to accept what is happening in my life and do my best to accept the emotions I am feeling. As hard as it may be, I need to let myself feel this way but also try to stay as positive as I can. Live for the moment and care for others is the best thing I can do right now. Others lives are more important than focusing on how bad my life feels at this time...things could always be worse...

God Bless, Tay