Ground Zero

Over the years I have been taught to trust that things happen for a reason or in better words they happen for a purpose. Sometimes that purpose is very clear. You are given the ability in that moment to understand the trial and the meaning it has on your life. However, there are points in life where the ability to see and think clearly are much more difficult. Things happening for a reason no longer has meaning.  Suddenly everything you were ever taught is thrown out the window and you are forced to pick back up at ground zero. Acknowledging that ground zero is not a fun place to be may take time to notice but once you do you feel yourself fall a little more. Ground zero is a rough place to find yourself. It's the reason the twin towers are known as ground zero after 9/11. Once you reach that point there is nothing left and you can only restart, trying to rebuild what has been taken from you but knowing in your heart that nothing can really fill whatever void is there.

Unfortunately I have found myself in this place often. Don't get me wrong I know my life is much easier than a lot of people in this world. I would never try to sit here and tell you that my life couldn't be worse. I would also never sit here and say that the battles you personally may be going through are any less extreme then what I deal with or have had to deal with. Truth is your battle is your battle. No one can tell you how to get through it. Being at the bottom tends to be one of the best places to be because you can only go up. The thing that is scary is when do you actually know you have reached that point? When do you truly know that you can't fall any further? I personally think that is a very difficult and terrifying question.

I have watched myself numerous amounts of times fall subject to negativity and evil thoughts. I have found myself at some of the weakest points that most wouldn't understand. I have seen my life flash before my eyes and questioned whether I could actually push through. I have watched friends fall subject to a multitude of negative habits including eating disorders, depression, suicidal tendencies, cutting, alcohol, and drugs. I myself have fell subject to some of those same negative choices. I have been caught searching for the one thing that could ease all my pain knowing whole heartedly the choices I was making would only hurt me more. I have understood the place I was in was not what God intended for me but didn't feel like I had the ability to dig myself out of the deep dark hole I was stuck in. For the most part I tend to realize when I have reached that point. The real question is in that time, what strength do I have left to find my way out.

Once again I am finding myself falling victim to searching for what one thing will make me happy. Of course I know in my heart that one thing just doesn't exist. There is a lot about my life currently that isn't working out in a way that brings me complete happiness. Something is missing. But what is it that is missing and how do I fix that...? Am I in the wrong place? Has my life been one bad decision after another? Am I missing what my life used to be? Is this just part of the grief journey? I am truly exhausted. Living right now is just plain exhausting. Everything feels like it takes so much effort. I over think and over analyze every single situation. I have pushed people away, steered clear of asking for help and held in emotions I am feeling. For what? Because I think it makes me tough...it makes me feel stronger. In reality I am more weak than anyone in my life is willing to see. I am just a young girl in search of happiness still wondering why my father had to be taken from me and why my grandma was taken from me shortly after. I am just someone wishing I could be with the two people I loved so dearly. Why do I get so far and then fall so fast?

Every question previously stated leads me back to the beginning of this post. The answer is no, I am where I am supposed to be. I was meant to be here and I am thankful for the life I have made and continue to make. I have a purpose here whether I see it now or not. However, even with that realization I must also be honest with myself and understand that even with this move having a purpose, that purpose could also end at any point. I must be willing to give it a chance here but while also remembering that me moving here doesn't mean I am stuck here. My move was a choice with no time limit, whether I think there should be or not. My year time frame really means nothing. My year time is a humanly made goal that can only be achieved if it's what God wants for me. Ultimately His path is the path I choose to take. At this point that path is unclear. So, I am left here to trust that the answer will be given to me when the time is right. That day may be soon or it may be years from now but I am doing the best I can to be patient.

Until that moment arrives, I need to go back to doing the things that make me happy. The things that release stress and tension from my life. I need to be spending more time at the gym and eating right. I also need to work on getting more sleep. I need to find time to be alone with my thoughts and emotions. Give myself time to write, read and journal so my thoughts are released in a positive manner rather than towards people that don't deserve it. I need to remember what's important to me, my goals and aspirations for my life. I need to continue my path to be an EMT and focus my time on studying. Some how I need to find that strength that has always been buried deep inside of me. I need to trust that having hope always allows you to prevail and never fail. Ultimately, life has to continue and overcoming trials is something that will never disappear.


For me, this post was a very honest and sincere look into my life. I admitted things that I usually don't enjoy telling the entire world. However, with opening myself up in this manner it forces me to follow through with the things I have listed that I say I need to fix. It holds me accountable as I have been truthful in announcing what makes me a better human being, a happier individual and ultimately a better friend. Because if there is one thing currently that I hate more than anything it's the fact that I feel like I haven't been a good friend to a lot of people that truly deserve my time and energy. So, with that being said this is also a public apology for anyone in my life that feels I have been non existent and I ask that if that is the case call me out on it. I am at a point where I need to be called out because I need to face all of this stuff head on and fix it. I need to stop the bullshit and get my life together. With that being said my final thought is that I can't even begin to imagine how disappointed my father is...


God Bless,
Taylor

Processing Emotions

Life the past 7 months hasn't been easy and yes part of that is because I moved to a new place but it also has to do with just feeling lost. I can honestly admit I have never felt less of a purpose than I do now and with that I have lost most of my drive. That mindset is not like me at all. I honestly do my best each morning to wake up with a positive attitude and take on the day with what ever it may have to offer. I spend most of my days by myself because although I know it's not what I need it's what I want. Knowing it's what I want also shows me that it's probably the worst thing for me a this point. I workout constantly to release emotions. I could live at the gym. If I didn't have a job I probably would. I wake up feeling pain most days but I love it because it proves I'm still alive. It keeps me working towards a goal knowing if I didn't have that I would truly feel as if I had nothing. It's in these moments that I am able to process my life and really take a look at what I am dealing with.

When my dad passed away my family battled to stay a family. We were all lost. The one who kept us all together and defined our family was no longer there to talk, support, and care for each one of us or as a collective group. At that point it fell on my grandmas and even my shoulders at times. It was a lot to bare. I did my best to keep in contact and to force relationship because I knew in my dads eyes family was everything. Knowing that, my grandma moved to California to be close to all of us. I truly believe she had a hope to bring us all even just a little closer and for a short period she did. She knew her time was coming to an end and she wanted her last final impact to be on our family. It was an example of how she always lived her life. However, the day my grandma passed away would be the day my family split ways. Losing my dad also added a bit of a struggle to my relationship with my mom. We were unable to see the others perspective. I tried it just wasn't possible. Communication lessened. Our lives were combined by the sole fact that we lived in the same house. I ultimately wanted us to understand one another but I was fighting too much for something neither of us could give.

As I talked to my mom this morning it all hit me that we are both living very similar lives. She goes to work each day not truly happy with where she works and gives all she has even though it doesn't seem good enough or appreciated. She works out daily, sometimes twice a day hoping to run from all the emotions bottled up inside of her. Working out allows her to escape, even if its only for a short time. She reminded me today that my life was turned upside down on December 23, 2010 the day I lost my dad. Both our lives were. And since then we have both struggled to find ourselves and find a way to keep moving forward. Then we lost my grandma who we were both extremely close to. The words she spoke today rand true in my mind, "you need to give yourself more credit and understand that you will never be able to get pass the loss you have been forced to deal with." I could hear her getting choked up and could feel the pain in her voice. It was in that moment that I realized there is so much more to losing my dad and grandma then I ever wanted to admit. There is a lot I haven't taken the time to process. Is it because I am afraid, yea I am sure that's part of it but I also think I just don't know how to. There is so much I have done wrong in order to heal and I think I am slowly realizing the wound is more fresh then I thought. 

In the same conversation with my mom today she made sure to point out that its not wrong for me to be happy or search to be happy. She said that is what your dad would want of you, it's what he would want for both of us. If I am honest with myself I think I am afraid to be happy. I hide behind what I am feeling not wanting to share anything or show my true colors. Part of me is afraid of people knowing about my life and the choices I have made. The other part of me is so afraid of showing people my weaknesses because I want so bad to be a strong person. Trust me, I know my dad would want me to succeed and show passion in all that I do. He would want me to make something of myself and never give up until I got there. I know he wants to see me succeed and wants me to be happy, truly happy. In my heart I really do know that, it's just some days it's not that easy. The days I wish I could call him or see him make that pain feel so incredibly fresh. I think back to that day and wonder if I have made any progress. A loss that should make me feel stronger seems to only make me feel weaker. Did I run away? Have I been running away for the past 2 years? The one thing I never wanted to do. I don't know maybe I have, maybe I handled everything the completely wrong way. At the time it seemed best.

I am now at a point where I don't know what's next. These times in my life happen every so often where I feel so lost and filled with such little hope. Do I go back to San Diego and trust that life can only get better? Or do I stay where I am and believe that there is something here for me through all these struggles? If I knew the perfect answer life would be much easier but unfortunately life doesn't work that way. I am doing my best to put all my trust in God and know that His plan for me is greater than any one I could imagine for myself. I know these days will pass. I also know I will get through this and the darkness will leave allowing light to shine through again. My journey will continue. Where I will be I do not know but wherever it is I know God and my dad will be with me every step of the way.

God Bless,

Tay

Heartfelt Honesty

Usually when I decide to write it's after I have spent a decent amount of time processing what is going through my mind and heart. Once I actually sit down and write I re-read it over and over making sure that I don't sound like I am just stuck in some terrible place while also making sure no one else gets hurt in the process. Tonight may be a different story. My choice to write tonight is because of the millions of emotions I am feeling along with the billions of thoughts rushing my mind. I have been extremely off the last couple days. Not myself at all. I am exhausted. I am not talking about the exhausted that you can just sleep off. This is different. I am emotionally drained. I have had so many up's and downs lately when it comes to my emotions and I have truly done my best to stay positive through it all but I think I have reached that point where it's too much. I feel like I am on a roller coaster and it's not a ride I want to be apart of. All I want is to just be alone but I know thats not whats best for me. I want to talk about what I am feeling but when I try nothing seems to come out. I don't know how to just let people be there for me. I would rather just shut myself off from the world and hope for the best. Maybe this will be good for me to say what's truly on my heart.

Every time I think I have a grasp on what grief is all about I am quickly reminded that I don't. There is never a way of knowing what I will feel each day. Some days its difficult to even get out of bed and put a smile on my face. Those days it takes every ounce of energy to still give to others. But by the end of the day I am able to recognize that giving so much was what I needed. If you had the opportunity to read my post from yesterday you may have noticed some frustration expressed in my writing. To be honest, I didn't notice it until I went back and looked over what I had wrote. However, you can feel tension in my words and those feelings are an internal battle for me. Some people lately are choosing to spend more time questioning me about my choices and life rather then taking the time to ask why those things are important. Yes, I have been spending a lot of time at the gym but that's what I need. It has nothing to do with anyone else, it's what I want and what is best for me right now. I also may want to be alone more often than not, or only want to be around specific people, but all those needs have a purpose. Maybe I just want to put things in my own life above other stuff. It doesn't mean I don't care about people it just means that for once I need to focus on me. Every other person seems to be fine with being selfish every now and then, so why is it such a shock when I choose to do so? What is important in your life may not be what's important in mine but that leaves no one an excuse to judge or criticize my choices. I am over feeling guilty for the things I need at this point in time.

Unfortunately, two and a half years ago the Taylor that all of you knew was ripped away. Since then that person hasn't truly returned. There are definitely areas where I have grown and changed but there is still a huge part of myself missing. Someone very close to me has helped me see that lately. Those who care enough seem to be able to see it. Even people that just recently met me. I had my life all figured out and my dad was supporting me the entire way. He just wanted to see me succeed and I wanted to see myself succeed. Nothing was going to stop me from reaching my goals. I lived each day as if it were my last and never backed down from any challenge. If you told me then that I was a strong person I would have believed you but at this point it is very difficult for me to see anything but weakness. I don't understand why it's so hard for me to find that person I used to be. Of course I have days where I think that same Taylor returns but for some reason it doesn't stick around long. I don't know if people understand how hard I try or how much I care about being a positive influence. I wake up each day doing everything I possibly can to give all I have to every person I come in contact with. If you don't understand what that feels like then you don't understand how exhausting it can be. If I am having an off day it affects EVERYONE. It hurts people, makes them sad, they take it offensive, or they just shut me out because they don't want to deal with it. Knowing how much my attitude affects others is a heavy weight on my shoulders and sometimes it becomes too much.

A few days ago I read a blog that I have followed since my dad passed away. This person also lost a parent and for the most part I am able to feel very connected to their emotions helping me feel less alone on this journey. I wanted to go back and read their past posts of where they were at the point I am right now. Their blog looked identical to mine. They had days of being happy, positive and inspirational followed by days of just being angry. Along with those posts were posts filled with pain and sorrow, posts where they missed their mom so much that they would just curl up in a ball and cry because that was the only thing left to do. Posts feeling so alone that they wondered if the pain would ever disappear or if their life would always be defined by grief. The worst part was although those posts made me feel better about where I am I also was mad at myself. I was mad at myself for feeling as if my emotions are normal for someone dealing with the loss of a person close to them. It's actually very hard for me to admit that reading that blog made it seem like I was allowed to be feeling what I am. Never once have I wanted to accept what comes along with grief. I think accepting grief is one of the worst things you can do. Maybe this is an area I have really screwed up with. Maybe I do need to just accept grief and allow it to define me but not negatively rather in a positive manner. I am not sure what I need to be honest.

I may not know what I need but I do know what I want. I want things to work out in Colorado. I don't want to run away just because I am going through a hard point in this journey. I want to at least give it a year and then decide what I should do at that point. I want to keep influencing people and being the best friend I can possibly be. I want to continue to grow closer to the friends I have made and spend time with all the new people in my life. I want to see lives being changed and for people to make better life choices. I want to be an inspiration to someone in the world that as long as they have faith and hope they have everything they could ever need. I want to make something of my life and move closer towards a career that I am passionate about. I want to reach my goals for myself and continue to exercise towards my fitness goals.

You may read this list and be thinking she sure wants a lot and getting all those things may be asking too much at this point. However, I wont lose hope for a better future. I may not have a ton of hope at this point but the little hope I do have is enough to give me faith in what God has for me. Knowing that He is behind all that takes place in my life and that He can turn anything into something good is what helps me get out of bed in the morning. I miss my dad so much. I will never not miss him. My hope is that I continue to find ways to succeed in life knowing that he would want to see me make something of myself. He always told me that I would do big things and that this world needed more people like me. I want to see that and most of all I want to believe that. He was amazing. I never imagined living without him but sometimes we are forced to deal with situations that we never wanted to deal with. My dad isn't standing next to me but he is with me. I know he wouldn't leave me alone to walk this journey. Some how, some way I will make it through this...

God Bless,
Tay

An Array of Thoughts

Today was one of the hardest days I have had in the gym in a while. I woke up feeling very run down as if I am coming down with a cold. My body and mind are drained, physically and emotionally. Actually I had no interest in even going. The weather probably played a role in that because its the perfect weather to cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie. The worst part was my pre-workout didn't even help.  But I knew I had a plan for the day that I needed to complete no matter how hard it would be. Yesterday I had planned to do a long cardio session today followed by lifting, however that wasn't going to happen. In order to even make it through cardio I had to do 20 minutes on the elliptical and 20 min of incline walking on the treadmill. Let me tell you it was a struggle. Every step I took my body reminded me of how tired it was. All I wanted to do was give up. On top of that it seemed as if every past injury was flared up today. My left calf felt like it wanted to explode, which was only a reminder of my compartment syndrome injury. Luckily, I made it through those very tough 40 minutes. Then there was lifting, the one thing that usually brings me out of any mood I may be in but not today. Once again I battled mind and body. I truly pushed until I had nothing left to give. My arms were shaking, my shoulder was tired, and I just wanted to be finished. It felt as if for two hours I was constantly reminded of my past. The struggles I have been through, the pain, the challenges but also the growth that has occurred because of those trials. Those injuries were what led me to rely on God for strength. They forced me to take a look in the mirror and change my life not just for myself but for everyone around me. Pain can lead to a positive outcome it just depends on how you look at it. You can either stay bitter or allow those struggles to make you better. It's a rough road. A lonely road. And at times it feels as if no one understands. People can walk beside you, help you and support you but they can't do it for you, only you can.

A lot of people don't understand why I spend so much time in the gym. A lot of those same people don't understand why or how I stay so dedicated to diet and exercise. I even think some people have it in their minds that its easy for me. Truth is its not easy at all. I wanted to share my story of today with the sole purpose of explaining that its just as hard for me as it is for you. Of course there are times where getting out of bed hours before I have to is the last thing I want to do. I have those days where it takes everything in me just to get in the car and go to the gym. But to be honest, that is half the battle. I'm not even talking about just the gym in this case, but sometimes just showing up in life is one of the most important things. Now when talking about my diet that may be one of the biggest challenges. It takes a ton of self control and it has taken me a pretty long time to get to the point I am at. I am not perfect and I still have a lot of areas that I want to improve on. I look in the mirror just like every other person and immediately pick apart what I don't like. The only difference compared to some is when I do that I don't accept it. I use it as fuel. It motivates me to push myself. It makes me work harder on those days when all I want to do is quit. I think sometimes we look at people and our jealousy overpowers our ability to truly think of what it took for that person to get where they are. We forget that they have struggled through all those same emotions and still struggle with similar issues. That same jealous feeling blinds our ability to look at someone's life with compassion so instead we judge them. And why are we judging them? We are actually mad at ourselves for not having that strength and will-power. At the time it just seems easier to take it out on them.

My challenge for you is take a look at what's inside your heart. What is fueling you to treat people the way you do or make the comments you make about others lives? Are you feeling some sort of jealousy, bitterness, guilt or maybe even shame? Don't let what's in your heart rob you of love and compassion to others. If you know someone that is extremely passionate about something take a second to ask them why. I'm telling you some of the stories people tell me at the gym or even my friends that now live to workout, what drives them is generally an incredible testimony. Think about that next time you think someone's life is easy or perfect. You have no idea what's behind that hard work. Lastly, as you challenge yourself to look at what's in your heart, challenge yourself to take even one step towards a healthier life. Transfer the time you spend worrying about everyone else and figure out what you can do to make your life better. Maybe it's not necessarily working out, maybe it's something else. Whatever it may be try to find it. Stop making excuses. Forgive those who hurt you and remember that living in the past will block you from what God has for your future. If you love something do it. Allow your life to be as purposeful as it's meant to be.

God Bless,
Tay

Live For Today, There Is No Tomorrow - Exodus 8:10

⁸ Then Pharaoh called Moses and Aaron, and said, “Pray to the Lord to take away the frogs from me and my people, and I will let the people go to sacrifice to the Lord.” ⁹ Moses said to Pharaoh, “Kindly tell me when I am to pray for you and for your officials and for your people, that the frogs may be removed from you and your houses and be left only in the Nile.” ¹⁰ And he said, “Tomorrow.” Moses said, “As you say! So that you may know that there is no one like the Lord our God,

Exodus 8:10 to some may be a seemingly insignificant verse, however for the past week it has been a verse that has constantly been on my mind. I had the privilege of listening to a sermon by a lady from Hillsong United church in Sydney, Australia. I can honestly say that this sermon couldn't have come at a better time in my life. Reaching the 6-month point of my move has brought about a lot of challenges. I had reached a point where I was feeling very home-sick. I haven't necessarily missed San Diego, but I have missed the people in San Diego. I have missed having my own group of friends and different groups to spend time with. It has been a big change, but with change has come a lot of growth. Now that I have gone slightly off topic let me explain the importance of the verses you see above.

Take a second to imagine an entire city filled with gross, annoying, and disgusting frogs. I don't know about you but frogs are nasty and I cant stand listening to their constant "ribbets", especially when it's right outside your room. I will admit that during a rain storm there is something peaceful about a frog making noise and the rain hitting the ground, but besides that and possibly their ability to turn into a prince, there is nothing cute about a frog. It was for this reason that Pharaoh's wife asked him to get rid of the frogs from the city. Pharaoh at that point called Moses and asked him to remove the frogs from the city. Moses response was that all Pharaoh had to do was tell him when he should pray to his God to remove the frogs and his God would remove them. What power our God has! In verse 10 you can clearly see Pharaoh's response, which should be shocking to anyone who reads it. He could have said right now or even tonight but instead he said tomorrow. Why would he want the city to live another night with frogs knowing that Moses had just said that his God could immediately remove them?

At this point you may be wondering, what is the point of this post? The point of this post is that Pharaoh's answer is so incredibly common in the world we live in. We respond to different aspects of life with not even just the response of acting tomorrow but also the mindset of always having the access to respond to all of life's choices, tomorrow. The definition of tomorrow is, "the day after today", yet we don't live in a way of it being AFTER today. We tend to live in tomorrow. What I mean by this is some of us never actually live for today. There is no tomorrow, because once you reach tomorrow it's now today and the tomorrow you just focused so much time on is no longer available. God prepares us with what occurred yesterday in order to deal with today. He expects us to not just exist and think about changing but to actually change, not tomorrow, but today. However, like I said before, some of us never live for today, instead we just exist, always hoping for something better tomorrow. We choose to make tomorrow the day we will change. The problem is once tomorrow becomes today we once again say tomorrow I will do that, tomorrow I will start eating better, tomorrow I will go to the gym, tomorrow I will start being a better friend, or tomorrow I will change my life and make better choices. We choose to spend our today's talking about what we will do tomorrow without ever actually making it to the tomorrow we speak of. In this process the validation of saying "tomorrow I will do...", allows us the contentment as if we already completed what we said we were going to. It is for this reason we never actually act on what we said.

The majority of us have no true understanding of what living in today really means. The issue with this is that we are only promised today, there is no promise of tomorrow. If every person lived for today, the world would be a different place. Love would be shown in the now, lives would be changed today, and the world would be a brighter place to live because people would truly understand the importance of living in the now. We often say to forget the past and worry about the future but in reality yesterday has more meaning then tomorrow. Yesterday has the ability to help us today. It can motivate us, change us, strengthen us, and prove that we no longer have to be suffocated by what happened because it's a new day.Yesterday helps us grow while tomorrow ultimately makes us weaker. Tomorrow allows us the ability to make bad decisions today, accepting our choices because in our hearts and mind we believe that by changing tomorrow it will make those choices better. All the burdens, pain, shame, guilt, and broken pieces must be dealt with today or you will never deal with them. You will live with the frogs of your past forever and begin to accept those frogs as just part of your life. But the fact is you don't have to live with the frogs of your past. The moment you realize change is what you need it must happen in that next moment or the few moments after. Whether it's just one small step or a giant leap, you must be willing to say today I will change, not tomorrow, today.

The facts are the longer you spend talking of tomorrow the more today's you miss and the more today's you miss the less impact you have on the world and the people in it. I am sure you constantly hear people say live for today, but do you even understand what that means? I know one thing it doesn't mean. It doesn't mean you should live in today and just exist because that my friends is not truly living. You have everything inside of you at this moment to have purpose today. You have more strength today in that moment you accept change then you will tomorrow when you wake up or when you press the snooze button to life. Once you finally decide to wake up because you feel you have to, you allow yourself the ability to justify once again the ability to just wait until "tomorrow". Day after day your life revolves around what could happen tomorrow.

I challenge you to live for today, change today, go to the gym today, and don't live today afraid of what could happen tomorrow. Whether you believe it or not you are not promised tomorrow, in fact you are not promised anything because you are apart of a divine plan and unfortunately you have no clue where or when that plan ends. What you should know is that no matter what happens today, you are here for a purpose and your purpose is to love, live and serve in the only moment you are promised. If there is something you want to do, do it now. If you have been putting off working out make today be the day that you change. Don't keep telling yourself what you will do tomorrow and never actually completing it. Every single one of you has more strength and power inside you then you could ever imagine. Don't allow your mind the ability to justify why your past is how you should be living your life today. Whatever has happened in your past is over and the only hold it now has one you is fuel to make a change today. I truly believe in every person on this earth. I believe this world could be a better place if we just woke up each morning and accepted today for what it has to offer. We all have so much power to make the world better. I truly hope that if you get anything out of this post it's that you attempt to live in the now and be grateful for all the amazing blessings you have in your life. We don't know anything about tomorrow and all we can do is have faith that we make it to tomorrows today to see what God has for us.

Change lives, donate, workout, eat better, make better choices, reach for the stars, follow your dreams, inspire, love, challenge, support, and truly live each today as if it's your last. If my life journey has taught me anything it has taught me to live in the now and leave nothing unsaid because unfortunately in the blink of an eye it could be all over. In a heartbeat that person you love more than anything in this world could be gone and at that point you are left with the question of can I make it through today. I now understand that even through all the negatives of grief, the one positive is the appreciation it gives you on the ability to live, not just exist but wholeheartedly live with a goal to change lives. I am thankful that through my loss, my two fathers have shown me the true meaning of love, while also showing me how to truly love others no matter what their circumstances may be. With that being said, I hope that you will take these verses to heart and get at least one thing out of this post. I hope that you marinade on the idea of living in the now and truly ask yourself if you are just existing or if you are doing all you can to change your life today.

“Live today. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Just today. Inhabit your moments. Don’t rent them out to tomorrow. Do you know what you’re doing when you spend a moment wondering how things are going to turn out? You’re cheating yourself out of today. Today is calling to you, trying to get your attention, but you’re stuck on tomorrow, and today trickles away like water down a drain. You wake up the next morning and that today you wasted is gone forever. It’s now yesterday. Some of those moments may have had wonderful things in store for you , but now you’ll never know.” 

God Bless,
Tay

Life Update, Fathers Day, & Love

I find it very interesting that some days I can sit down and complete a blog with very little thought, yet other days clicking publish seems like the most difficult task. I began writing this post a few days ago while sitting at one of my favorite places in Denver. A park known as Wash Park to those who live near it but it's real name being Washington Park. This park has become a spot where I escape daily life, lay with the dogs, write and read. It's the place I am at peace. In San Diego I had my "spots", the spots I always ran to when I needed to be alone. I actually was nervous about not having those places to escape any longer because I knew the meaning they held in my heart. I have been taught over time that it's not necessarily a specific spot that must hold meaning rather the memories that were shared in that place. Those memories can be remembered anywhere you are located and still hold just as much meaning as they once did.

It's been five months since I picked up and left the town I grew up in to move to a new place, a city I am falling in love with more by the day. Denver is very different than any place I have ever been. It's a place that grabs your heart very quickly. I am not even sure what makes it so unique. It could be the people, the atmosphere, weather, or possibly the peace that seems to flow through the cracks in the sidewalk. The question I always get is "why would you move away from San Diego to come here?", but the truth is this place has something that no other city has. A place filled with so many free spirited individuals and a whole lot of happiness. It has taken some time but I am slowly creating my own life in this city. I have been meeting more people and truly enjoying the sunshine. Even on bad days I am able to look around and find joy in the small things. A few months ago I found myself struggling to find purpose. I felt lost. I didn't want to be in San Diego but I didn't feel like I was meant to be here. I questioned my decision to move. I questioned my life, my future, and the choices I had made. As I took a step back and spent some time alone I realized I was closing myself off to what God has for me. Yes, I was in a new place and transitions can be difficult but I wasn't allowing myself the ability to be used. Any chance I had to move forward I nervously pushed myself away, scared of taking that step.

After spending about a week in solitude I quickly understood how my choices were not only affecting my own life but were affecting others as well. As my smile returned my personality quickly returned as well, and the change in others was noticeable. I guess I never realized that a carefree personality really does wear off on people and when it is hiding even those who don't know me are affected. It has been almost a year since I reached the point in grief where my personality returned. The year prior to that I felt lost and had no idea who I was. I went searching to find that person and I was frustrated when my answer seemed lost in the darkness. Even those around me were unable to see "the real tay", and they hoped for that person to return. Being in Denver is teaching me more about myself then I could have ever imagined. People that know nothing about me or my life see me as the person always laughing, smiling and just being a goofball. At work if I am having an off day people wonder why, which is a change because the bad days used to far outweigh the good days. Fortunately those days aren't often. I can remember when every day was filled with a face of pain and suffering. But, the positive is with time the good days happen more often and the bad days are far less frequent.

As for work, I am currently working at Nike and for those of you who know me you are probably reading this thinking "that has to be a dream come true for her!", but I can honestly tell you it is not. You should all be proud though because I am very smart about what I buy! I have only bought two pairs of shoes, one being specifically for running! ;) Anyways, even though I know this job isn't forever I can clearly see why I am in the position I am. After the initial "fun" period passed I had two weeks of hating what I was doing searching for some purpose at a place that took very little thinking to complete. I was mad that the only job I got was a job where my knowledge wasn't being used at all. However, once again I realized I was shutting myself off from what God had for me. My knowledge could be used and more importantly my heart, passion, and joy could be used to make the lives of those around me better. I began seeing a different side to work. I viewed each day as another day to change someones day for the better. I saw my days working in footwear as opportunities to use my knowledge of the body and how it moves. I have provided customers with feedback on injury prevention and different exercises they could do to help injuries such as shin splints and plantar fasciaitis. I take pride in getting them in the proper shoe for how their foot moves and even question managers on shoes that advertise specific functions. In apparel, I try to make the life of the shopper as easy as possible while starting conversations about all sorts of things. I slowly began to understand that every day you can change a life just by acknowledging people and showing interest in their lives. Through those moments I was taught a lot about myself and my daily purpose, not just my purpose for specific careers. No matter where I am or what I am doing I can make a difference in other's lives just by showing love.

I am reminded each day of the genuine compassion my father had. Even on his worst days he made sure to love people with everything he had to offer. Some days it wasn't as much as others but he still gave his everything. If he could live his life in that capacity then I can to. My father is the person I hope to be. I look up to him for his ability to look past the struggles of his life to make the world a better place. I truly believe that he taught me one of the most powerful aspects to life that anyone could ever teach me. Truly loving people can be a difficult task at times but with a heart filled with compassion for those suffering gives the ability to shine light into lives filled with so much darkness. My daily goal is to live for the day and not dwell on the little things. I have a very clear understanding of what my purpose is and because of that I may not be placed in a career or position that I thought was meant to be for me. In fact, more than likely I will find myself doing something I never intended to do. The excitement in that is knowing that God has something so much bigger for my life that I can't even begin to grasp at this time. We all have purpose. That statement alone should fill your heart with such a warm feeling because it's a constant reminder that there is something greater, something you can't even begin to imagine. Take that and run with it. Be used and more importantly be open to being used. Embrace the path you are led on knowing you are not walking it alone.

Father's Day is tomorrow. For some of you it will be a difficult day because you may have lost your father or maybe your father was never apart of your life, and in reality it's never easy to be reminded of that pain. Other's will have an awesome day because you will be spending it by your fathers side showing him that you are grateful for what he has done. My hope for all of you is that you can find something to make your day special. Celebrate and remember those no longer here. Find something that makes you smile because you know they would love what you decided to do. If you are someone who is having a difficult time forgiving your father for what he has done attempt to release that. Maybe even take that step of saying even though he hasn't been a father to me I am stronger than anything holding me back from at least acknowledging this day. Last but not least, show thanks to those fathers still around. Show them how much they mean to you and how thankful you are for what they have done because at some point you will wish you had another day to tell them the stuff that truly matters. Most of us, father or not, have some sort of fatherly influence and that person deserves just as much acknowledgement as the person who was your father.

Personally, my love for my father grows by the day as I am reminded more and more of the love he held in his heart. Although he is no longer here I am experiencing a greater appreciation for the way in which he lived his life. I can't even begin to explain how cool that feeling is. That is the reason that tomorrow I will celebrate and be thankful for every single thing about my father, good or bad. I will never stop loving him or living in his shadow. I can't wait to run tomorrow morning in his honor filled with joy and a huge smile on my face. The greatest gift I can give him is to continue living to the best of my ability and keep that smile on my face that everyone seems to love.

Love you pops with all my heart. Happy Fathers Day and thank you for being the greatest father any girl could have! I am who I am today because of you.

God Bless,
Tay

What Is Hope...

It's been over three years since I began writing in my blog and through that time I have been taught so much through my own writing. Still to this day as I go back to the first few posts I am reminded of why I felt the need to begin writing in the first place. I honestly had no idea the roller coaster of emotions that would follow my first ever blog post. I can remember that day like it was yesterday...

Today I woke up planning to go for a run, however knowing in my heart that isn't what I needed, I sat down and began putting my thoughts on paper. It's been a year since I sat by my grandma's bedside and held her hand for her last and final breath. In that moment I was scared to let go of her hand and scared of the unknown that was ahead of me. There are two people in my life that have always understood every aspect of who I am with no judgement at all, so the thought of being without either of them was heart breaking. After losing my dad I felt lost and alone but each day I spoke to my grandma she gave me purpose and reminded me that we couldn't give up. She helped me never lose sight on the future God had planned for me. She was more than just my grandma, she was a true angel sent from God to walk with me and teach me the meaning of faith.

As I look back on the past year I am amazed at where life has taken me. In the past three and a half years I am even more amazed at how God has used me. At the time it's difficult to see how something so tragic can bring about good, however with the right people around you and God as the forefront it's possible to use pain to bring healing. In fact, I truly believe that our pain has a direct effect on one's ability to be healed. You must be willing to release the initial pain to find the deeply rooted emotions holding you back from seeing true light. The reminder of the painful trials you have endured is the place where true healing begins. You are forced to accept what has happened in order to move forward with mercy and grace. For me, the past five months has been a time where God has forced me to take a deep look at where I came from but with a constant reminder of what is ahead of me. Heartache can rip you apart in a multitude of ways but it can also build you up and truly shape your heart. Years ago I knew that I wanted to help people but I wasn't sure what that looked like. To be honest, I don't know if I was actually prepared to help anyone at that point even though I thought I could. I was in need of being helped and had to accept that I couldn't do it on my own. A good friend took on the challenge of walking with me and showed me what the true meaning of love is. Love is something we say so often, which causes us to question whether it actually holds meaning. Love is being able to truly care about people despite their baggage because we all have a large amount. The ability to take the time to walk with someone through the good times and the bad. Putting your life on hold because you know that someone else needs you more in that moment.

Love and hope are two words that if you know me are thrown around very often. These are two words that I believe have truly shaped my life and are helping build my future. The other night I thought to myself that trials we are forced to deal with have the ability to give us fuel for the future. Hope is what fuels my life and through that I have been shown how to love people with true compassion. I have witnessed people being at their weakest state with nothing left except the slightest bit of hope, in fact I have been there before. Yes, hope is a word that is mentioned as if it holds no meaning but there is so much more to it. Feeling as if the darkest cloud surrounds life with no purpose to continue and in that moment a small amount of light enters, that is hope. Hope forces us even for a second to escape the dark thoughts and find light. Hope is a true life saver allowing people to keep fighting when all they want to do is give up. A simple word is what defines my purpose in life. Giving people hope when they can't find any. It is what drives Give'N'GetFit and will continue to allow us to reach new heights. It's a hope that through our efforts and the efforts of so many others, that lives will be changed and the length of those suffering lives will only continue to grow.

I feel blessed to have known so much love in my life and although I have lost a lot, there has been so much to gain in the process. Although at times it's difficult to admit, the people I have lost have made me who I am today and without them there is no telling where I would be. Today is just a reminder of one of the amazing people I was fortunate to know. A reminder that my life is better for having a grandma that was such an incredible person. She is with me every single day, giving me the faith to never give up and reminding me of the love that God has for me, as well as, every other person. I am thankful for the moment I had one year ago when I walked in the room and her face lit up. I am also thankful that in that moment God gave her the ability to speak the words I love you one last time. It is that moment that makes the rough days a little easier to handle. It was in that moment that the fear holding me back from moving on with my life was released. God used death to bring life and purpose back into my life. I am forever grateful for that day and for my grandma. 

Grandma you will always hold a special place in my heart. 

God Bless,

Tay

Expectation of Change

I wrote this yesterday and decided to share. Its a little choppy at times but it was on my heart. It came out on paper exactly how I was feeling as I sat at a coffee shop. I watched the snow outside and contemplated life and where I have come from. The journey I have been led on, the path I have chosen to take, and the many other decisions that have come a long with it. My life is what it is because of the choices I have made. We never know the effect choices will have but must have faith in taking that step. Here are my thoughts on the trials, struggles and pain that comes a long side big choices we make...

There is an expectation that comes along with every big change we choose to make in our lives. The expectation is that the life we were living, the choices we were making, or the position we held beforehand will change for the better. That expectation becomes overwhelming causing a person to hold all decisions on a pedestal, with a hope the outcome only benefits the change. Resting a top the pedestal is all the stress and worry being bottled up from each aspect of the change that was made. It begins to weigh on the person and the effects are shown on the heart, mind, and body. Exhaustion takes on a new meaning. It seems as if exhaustion is the only describing word that can be used due to the effort it takes just to find words for the emotions behind it all. The change no longer seems positive, however, underneath those thoughts it is still possible to see a glimmer of trust in the step that was made. Questioning the decision still occurs daily, wondering if it's possible that the choice may have been the wrong one. The feeling of being alone returns even with people all around. Prayers for understanding weigh heavy on the heart, while hoping for an answer. Nothing seems to make the feelings disappear. Previous heartaches return causing a lingering pain affecting each moment in the day. There is a want for happiness and joy to return in hopes it could overpower the pain. As days pass, the feelings are ever so present causing people to worry. The worry is due to the amount they care, yet there is a wish they didn't. For some reason it feels better to be alone. Working out is what is needed, however the task seems too daunting. The Bible becomes the place answers are searched for. Again, the answer could come in any way as long as an understanding takes place. There is a hope for the suffering to end or a form of light to be seen. In the midst of it all it's difficult to see that an end exists. Although an end is not noticeable at the time, faith allows one to believe none of this can last forever. Being stuck in the middle of the path makes it seem as if life will always be surrounded by pain and struggle. Those on the outside are unable to understand, yet all they want is to help. Wishing they could help causes a runaway mentality to surface due to the pain and inability to help. Being alone and staying away seems like it would be best, but in reality it only makes things harder. Realizing the pain being caused to others only makes everything worse. 

In the midst of all of this the main thing to remember is what God has said. Clinging to verses, quotes, and songs to provide some form of hope. "Don't be afraid, I am there, I am walking with you, and will never leave your side", are just some of the things that ring strongly as if He was truly right there. In fact, in that moment it's important to remember that He is there. God is right along side expecting hope to never be lost. Standing strong in faith and being obedient to what He is asking are His expectations. Spending time attempting to hear Him while also being willing to change the way listening is taking place. He is there, so find Him. If it's felt in the heart, follow that feeling and be willing to trust Him in that moment. Let God work how He may. If God chooses to use you, allow Him to do so and know He is right there. God loves you today the same amount He always has, does, and will. Nothing changes His love. To know that is helpful in knowing that He will bring an end to the pain and suffering. Search for Him, be steadfast in prayer, and find joy in waiting. God is teaching, allow Him the ability to teach. Bring light to dark and live by the guideline that every step should bring God glory. God's light can be seen in every aspect of every day to those willing to notice the beauty. Understand that God is always present and always working in a multitude of ways. When all else fails, cling to God and stay strong. He is there. He fully understands the pain but also doesn't want it to exist forever. There is something special taking place that will benefit His Kingdom. When it's painful to look forward or impossible to look ahead, look to the heavens. It's in those moments that eyes should be locked on God and the beauty in which he created. 

Be honest with yourself and what you are feeling. Understand your emotions are real. What you think and feel are important to healing. Healing will occur. God will bring about healing when it fits his timeline. It can be frustrating at times because the timelines we have don't match up with the timeline God has for our lives. We expect good moments to last forever and bad moments to end before they begin. We want what we want for our lives without being willing to wait on what God specifically has designed for our lives. God was patient through the suffering. He had faith through the trials and trusted what the Lord had said to him. He took each step knowing that the path He was being led on had purpose. Somewhere along the way a culture was created that gave an expectation for trials to end quickly without lessons being understood. There is no purpose for people to be patient through trials with the expectation that it will end quickly. So, as days go by and suffering still exists, the pain only deepens. The hope is that as the amount of trials increase, the number of effects decrease. Learning how to handle those effects and still finding joy in the struggle. The place in which joy is found in the struggle is where Gods love will rest, at the forefront of all suffering. 

God Bless,

Tay

Life: An Updated Version

Drive from SD to CO

Wash Park...beautiful but cold snowy day!

Well, I have been telling myself I would write an update for about two weeks and it obviously hasn't happened. This week marked my third week of being here, yet it feels like I have been living here so much longer. Haven't quite figured out if that's a good thing or not! ;) The drive was miserable, plain and simple. Never again will I drive through the night after spending my last days in San Diego with very little sleep. Just could not stay awake. Luckily Chelsea was with me or I would have been screwed. We started our journey with our final stop being at one of my favorite mexican restaurants located in Poway. We both annihilated a California Burrito, which was a perfect final meal. The next pit stop was Coffee Bean because there are none out here!! :( We then started the journey. We stopped in Vegas for about two hours, contemplated enjoying the night life and staying the night, but after much debate decided to keep the trek going. I drove from San Diego to Vegas and then continued driving after Vegas for maybe two hours. At that point Chels took over and pretty much had to be a soldier the rest of the trip with very little help from me. I could not keep my eyes open to save my life. Luckily, my amazing client Annie sent us on our drive with a ton of food, which provided some energy. Pretty sure I had about four cups of coffee and two cups of soda. I felt horrible! We arrived in Denver at about 10:30 am after leaving San Diego at 3 pm the previous day. Unpacking was not happening, we immediately went to sleep. 

For those who don't know, Chelsea is the friend I am living with and I am so blessed to have her in my life. She has been someone who truly has been there every step of the way showing more love then any one person should show. I have two other roommates and it took no time at all to make friends with them. The dynamic of the house is interesting at times due to the small place and large amount of people but it's nice to already have a good support base. I have only had the opportunity to see Julie once since being here but we are both just trying to get settled with our new lives so that's expected. I have a friend that lives here that went to school with me at SDCC, so he has introduced me to some people who I have hung out with a few times. Schedules haven't made it the easiest to see Laurel but I have had the chance to see her and go out a few times. I also have met an incredible church community who has taken me in and reached out to support me in a number of ways. It's been a blessing having people I am familiar with but those who have taken me in have also had a huge impact on my transition. I am living pretty close to Mile High Stadium making downtown very close and the drive to the smaller areas is easy as well. Like San Diego, I have spent more time at the surrounding cities rather than in the heart of downtown. I am loving the scenery and all the small restaurants, pubs, bars and breweries. There is so much to see in this place and I haven't even seen half of it. 

At this point I really have no complaints. Its been a good transition and I am truly loving the life I am creating here. Very different, yes, but it's a good different. It's been a change of pace for me and has allowed me to really sit down and figure out the things I want for my life. I have some ideas of things I want to do but I am waiting patiently to see where I am being directed. I accepted a position with the Colorado Rapids Soccer Club and will be providing training sessions for kids trying to develop more in soccer. I am excited to be apart of their club and look forward to the possibilities of growth within the club. Besides that, I am having a difficult time finding a place I want to work. I have had some interviews, one being a PT clinic, but my heart has seemed to transfer away from physical therapy. I finished my EMT course and now just waiting to hear if I passed the class so I can take the NREMT. It's been difficult going from constantly busy to having nothing to do. My life hasn't been this calm in years and it's not in me to have such an empty schedule. But, with that I have also realized a lot of very important things about myself. 

Allowing my mind time to rest and heal has been a blessing in disguise. I have found myself spending so much time outside taking in the amazing views. Longboarding has allowed me time to think about my life and the journey I have been on. Coffee shops have become my second home. Running is something I actually enjoy, which has never been the case unless a soccer ball was at my feet. I know it's very corny to say but my time in solitude, whether at a coffee shop or outside has allowed me the ability to feel closer to my dad. He loved the outdoors and found Colorado to be breathtaking. He loved running and was at peace when he hit the open road. While in San Diego I feel like I was trying too hard to find him. I actually would go searching to feel his presence. Now, I feel him because my mind is at peace and I am open to the calmness of life.

In the short time I have been here I can see positive changes. I no longer feel like the girl who lost her father. I actually feel like myself again, the person that existed before my dad passed away. The girl who was laid back, willing to find the good in life and be their for other's in a heartbeat. It was hard for me to be a support to anyone because I felt like my life was too much of a disaster to actually help anyone. I viewed myself as someone who was incredibly lost and would look in the mirror unsure of the person I was. I spent hours attempting to figure out who I was and what I wanted for myself. After a few days of being here I quickly realized that my relationships with people were difficult because of the way I had been defining them. I took every little thing to heart and felt lost when people weren't there for me every second. I expected so much from people and some of my friends could actually feel the pressure of being "the perfect friend" This is not only a personal understanding but an apology to those of you who have consistently stuck by my side. I have began to understand that true friendships don't always have to be so much work or have so many guidelines. Friendships aren't perfect and no two relationships are the same. You don't have to talk to people every day for them to still care and be there. Friendships change throughout our lives and every person in our life has a purpose. Some stay forever and some quickly come into our lives only staying for a short time. Through this understanding I have seen relationships change. I actually talk to my close friends more often and the conversations are so much easier. I don't feel like my world is going to collapse when I don't hear from people. I am content knowing that I am loved by so many amazing people without them having to tell me daily. 

In the coming days I plan to patiently wait for whatever God has in store for me. The path I am led on will be the path I am meant to embark on. Even on the hard days, I look forward to what is ahead. I also have some decisions to make on school and what my future will look like. The possibility of a big change in direction is likely at this point but I am confident that wherever I end up I will have the ability to help and care for those in need. I thank you all for the love and support that has been shown to me with this big leap of faith. And until I see you again, keep smiling and living each day as if it were your last.

With love,
Tay